My beloved child...
Maybe one day you'll see this, maybe not. But all in all I'm writing it to you. You see when I first discovered I was pregnant with you, I was in a dilemma, I didn't know whether to keep you or not, I didn't know if I really wanted you because of the circumstances that surrounded your father and I. I won't lie to you abortion kept ringing in my mind, I Googled a lot of articles about it but I didn't have it in me to do it.
Life became so unbearable for me, a lot of thoughts raced through, my anxiety crept in, depression spared me no more, there was no night that passed without me crying my self to sleep, I was so lonely, I barely ate anything baby no one really understood what I felt, I even wondered how you were surviving in a worn out weak body, I was completely disconnected from the real world into a world of loneliness and pain, Everyone abandoned me, I was left on my own with no job nor a house just me and you growing in me.
I blamed my self for getting pregnant, your father at some point did too, I was so hard on my self that the doctor said I'd harm you if I continued like that, so that meant I was to at least try not to stress. Then in me you grew five months and I'd feel you move, and everytime I cried or got anxious you'd make alot of movements which meant I was stressing you too so I tried my best not to which I failed terribly.
I know you might be probably wondering where your dad is, well he's here with me, eagerly waiting for you too, I don't know much about him but all I know is that he's going to be the best father to you, I at times think of leaving you with him and disappearing for good, not because I don't love you nor want you please don't get me wrong, I know even if I wrote down the reasons you wouldn't understand.
Mama loves you so much, I love you so much my child that's why I kept you this far, I know I might not be a good mother, I'm scared I might be toxic and I don't want you growing up like I did, I don't want you to feel what your grandmother made me feel, what do I say baby, I'm in pain this world that you are about to come to gave me nothing but pain.
My prayer for you my child is happiness, I want you to be happy always, enjoy every little thing this world offers you, I pray you don't cry your self to sleep over anything, I pray you know your worth so that no one will ever put you down, baby I pray for growth both physically, emotionally and psychologically always be strong my love. Even if you grow up without me just know mama adores you.
I'll try my best to be the very best mom, I'll hold you when you fall, teach you how to walk and talk, feed you and cloth you, I'll guide you through this life teach you the good and the bad, hold and scold you everytime you go astray. If I'm strong enough to baby I'll be there all through. I'm weak now but maybe I'll be strong by the time you arrive.
With so much love
Mom 😘
©mara_pain
©mara_pain
M