Addiction? It takes having an addiction to fully understand it, to understand the chronic relapsing brain disease, to understand the complex condition.
Growing up I could never understand why my dad wouldn't stop using drugs. He knew it made him violent and aggressive. He knew the repercussions,he knew that if he continued, he would lose not only his job and car but his family too. He knew my mom was growing tired of it all,that she soon would leave if he continued. And that didnt stop him. He's lost it all,living under bridges wasn't even a wake up call. Living under the bridge,and yet still the only thing he wanted was to be intoxicated. I blamed myself all my life and felt as though he chose drugs over me. Did he? Or did his addiction,the disease take full control over him? When I started self harming it was a coping mechanism,once again people wont understand this unless they personally go through it. I found myself doing it without reason,how my skin would crave for the sharp blades cut, how I would crave for my blood to ooze, knowing the repercussions as well,I still cut. Now I know, he didnt choose drugs over me,he just couldn't fight and beat his disease.
©tamicelle
T