Sometimes it's hard feeling so alone. The busy work days, homework and gym leave me little time to think about my social isolation. Which is great- until my world slows down and I realize that it's just me out here. I feel cut off from the world- like my friends and family are continuing on without me as I slowly inch forward towards a goal I didn't even know I wanted until I woke up one day and decided to go for it. Full speed ahead. Sometimes I feel like I'm slowly losing myself. Like I've created this whole new person with this whole new life and for some reason sometimes she just doesnt seem to fit right. Sometimes I feel so lost. I question, " why am I doing this". I question, " does this all even make a difference?" Sometimes I feel so insignificant. I am forgotten. My family members spend time together and forget to call me. My partner studies and forgets to reach out. My friends only reach out if I reach out first. I feel so alone. Sometimes I am miserable, the feelings of loneliness and being stuck in this person that doesn't quite feel like me overwhelm me and I sink into myself, lost in the dark recesses of my own thoughts. I am ambivalent towards the new me, lashing out at myself because I choose not to lash out at others. Only my partner. He is there so when I am broken, I welcome him to join by lashing out and giving him just a taste of the raw rage I feel at myself constantly. I continue to self loathe. And than he loathes. And then I am left with nothing and none. I feel so alone. Sometimes it's like I'm drowning. The workload is so intense, it gives me little time to feel- which is good. When I have time, I loathe and I drown. It seems I can accomplish everything, and yet nothing at the same time. Who would have thought you could put so much effort into failing. Isolation has become my friend and my enemy. I used to revel in spending time with others, now it makes me anxious. Sometimes I feel like I would be better off never leaving my house. When I leave, bad things happen. Random men harass me. Than my partner feels inadequate, and I feel oddly like it is my fault. But I want to leave my safe space. I long for the days when I went over to friends houses just to watch movies and talk about our days. They are no more. I have no friends. I am alone. I sometimes wonder if I do more harm than good. Maybe the world would be a brighter place without my negativity. I used to be bright. I used to be positive. Now I'm exhausted. Always tired. I never sleep enough, I always eat too much, I forget to brush my teeth and comb my hair. What is the point anymore. I go to work and somehow mess that up. I work on school and miss deadlines. I am too tired to exercise. I am hollow. I complete the motions of living, reaching out to coworkers and friends, going to work everyday, doing homework. But they are just motions. Inside I am hollow, I stop myself from feeling because when I do it is painful and putrid. There is no one to talk to. I cannot talk to my partner. I cannot talk to my family or friends. I would scare them away, what little is left of them. Again, I wonder why I even exist. Do I add anything to this world? Or do I only tell myself that so that I continue on with these motions. Life in motion feels lifeless. Hollow waking hours and hollow restless nights. I never dream anymore. I miss the vivid colors. I miss all the loud noises. But at least I am safer in my hollow shell. The less I go out, the less bad occurrences can occur. At least I thought. But maybe not. Isolation may not be my savior. There is no savior. I am alone, left to try to put the pieces back together. Make them fit, make them feel ok again. Can they? Were they ever ok? Can they get better or will I always be left picking up the pieces and pretending like my hands aren't lacerated as I try hopelessly to glue them back together. I have too many scars. I sometimes dwell in them too, letting them feed my self loathing and continually cut down my self worth. I am alone. I am nothing. I am hollow.
©live
L