Yes, I know that you have depression and anxiety. I know you are not your mental illness. I know you're struggling. I know you need help but doesn't want it for you feel that it'll just be a pity-based help. I know those masks you wear. I recognize them. Because I too, had them. I'm a depression survivor.
But unlike you, when I had it I didn't have anyone to lean on, to accept me, to still see me as me and not a mental illness. You are lucky you have a bestfriend. I didn't have anyone back then. No one knew about my depression. No one knew about those sudden heart burn attacks. No one knew about those moments of constant numbness. No one knew about the way I lull myself to sleep with my cries. No one knew about the carvings on my wrists. No one knew about the things stabbing my heart.
No one.
Everyone left because they said that I am too dramatic, too emotional, too sensitive, a cry baby, a weak person, an attention whore - because I feel too much.
I had no one.
I had to survive every single fucking day and night by myself.
I had to be strong.
I had to strive so much to kill depression so I wouldn't kill myself.
You weren't there. And I couldn't blame you why you aren't sensitive enough of my feelings too. You became too sensitive about yourself, that you grew insensitive about others..including me.
You weren't there. So you feel like I am comparing and belittling you whenever I tell you "others survived, you can too," but I'm not. I mean it to inspire you that this isn't your best yet. I tell you this because it is something possible.
You weren't there so you didn't know how much I struggle to go back to my past just so I can empathize with you and how much the past burns my heart and how much it wounds my scars again. You didn't know that you are bringing me down with you as I hold on tight to you trying to bring you up with me.
Our friendship is so much of a mess.
It's chaos.
It's destruction.
It's decay.
Maybe friendship isn't enough to fix us both. I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe. Maybe I am not strong enough to pull you up. I'm not good enough. But you. Is it you who's strong enough to pull me down, or is it your depression pulling us both? Or maybe. Maybe it's because you are feeding it with history. Didn't you clean the trash bin?
Oh. No. Don't answer. I get it. You'll just tell me again that I am not letting you feel your emotions because I kept on feeding you positivity.
How do I help a depressed person anyway?
I have no idea, I am sorry. I remembered I had no one to help me. Mine was based on trial and error and a lot of pushing away - all walls up. Isolation. I'm sorry for making you feel that I am not helping you become better and heal. I do want to help but it seems like I fail in doing so. I am sorry for ruining you more. I am sorry for not letting you feel as you say. It's just that, surviving depression, I learned that I shouldn't always listen to how I feel because depression can use it to become stronger and control me more. Oh, sorry. I'll stop now. I don't want to explain anymore.
If you feel like we should put an end to this friendship, thank you, because I feel the same way too.
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"An Open Letter for my Girl Bestfriend"
@Yours, Kitty
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Hey there! Thank you for reading my craft. I hope you enjoyed it. If you did, do check out some of my other crafts as well.
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Have a good day!
T