around midnight I exit the party early my brother close behind asking me where I'm going what's wrong you havnt even been here that long, I tell him I'm not feeling so well actually beginning to feel like hell. this is not ordinary for me to just get up like that and leave so he offeres me to finish the bottle, I turned him down somthing he could not believe. I walk home alone under the moon my stomach turning and my muscles and chest burning, finally I get as far as moms place and decide to just sleep there, suddenly have to cough and cover my mouth... once again I cough blood on my hand ongoing now for a week maybe 2 , been double triple on my showering due to sweat with a smell over powering. it's not like me to smell bad ever but everytime I sweat at all back to the shower down the hall. over and over again. I lay down in my other brothers room the bed is open because he likes sleeping in the living room. I fall asleep tossing and turning my chest and body inside burning but I'm bullheaded so it's not even concerning. I finally sleep nightmares invading my mind heavy sweat drenching me to the point I can smell a foul oder and I wake up in my own hell, heavy nausea I'm trying not to vomit, it's 5am right before light the dim lit room I don't wanna puke all over the place I jump up and my insides are on fire and I can't hold back nausea any longer black fluid explodes out of my mouth and nose like a fire hose filling my overalls and boots and covering the bed and wall I try to get to the bathroom but the internal burning overwhelms me and I fall out of the room into the hall hit the floor hard coverd in black blood still heaving my energy and oxygen I feel painfully leaving no air just choking gasping thinking this is it I'm dead where I sit inside me chaos and fire my internal workings catostroficly failing I start to crawl down the hall on fire inside wishing there was someplace far I could hide and just die I make it to the couch barley and lay there in my own private hell no choice but to dwell nobody to help. I try to sleep visions and nightmarish things in my sites. the sun is now up in my face I've always hated my moms brightly lit place. now I realize why my sweat smelled like death and blood on my breath, I was sweating my own blood because internal bleeding over a few weeks fucking straight reeks ,holes in my stomach lining letting blood in my stomach and then my system trying to digest it and excrete it out except instead of burning food for energy I was liveing off my own blood like spinning your wheels stuck in the mud. sweating pissing burning puking blood no appitite not feeling right shaking all night nightmares till early light now losing the fight. my family just shrugged me off like I had a hangover, I couldn't move and scared to attempt to explain the blood making me insane along with burning pain smell of death, my brother from the party walks in and looks at me... imediatly can tell somthing bad is wrong and starts questioning me I explain best I can what's happening to me and he helps me to his car off to the hospital 25 miles away we go really fast not at all slow, at the emergency they put me in a bed in the hall the doctor acting like an Asshole no help nothing at all 3 hours pass and I'm thinking they're gonna let me just die .then I hear my brother screaming at this doctor to help me now or he will beat the holy shit out of him the doctor says I'm faking and drug seeking I need to leave one last test he puts his fingers in my behind and can't believe what he finds. calls a careflight helicopter emergency. the wind is blowing around 60mph and this copter can't hardly land tossing and turning bucking and bouncing engine and turbo screaming up and down finally sets down and they load me inside where they administer pain med even Thow they thought I was about dead. it felt good so warm and smooth taking away the pain and helping the horrible feeling to stop making me insane. I could feel the wind beating on the helicopter and the pilot fighting it. it was awsome I gotta admit. now huge drops of rain and ice start banging on the whole craft I didn't care I just laughed. the pilot didn't flinch at all just kept us airborne and got me there to Reno hospital and I spent 7 days recovery after surgery. these doctors did not expect me to live I found out. I never had a doubt. I know better and I ain't getting off that easy no I'm bound to this world that's so filthy and sleazy. major stomach ulcers they repaired with a torch and tiny camera inside my stomach. they said they have never seen damage that extreme and asked me how I did such a thing. well drugs are bad mmmk! I used to eat straight Meth I chased with vodka straight outa pure pain rage and hate trying to seal my own fate. that's all. I'm tired. true story.
©mr.russer
M