I should be in my room,
Right at the darkest corner,
With red eyes and bloody tears,
Red cheeks and bloody nose,
Partly-blind eyes and torn lip edges but I'm not ...
I should be singing along,
Liking who I have become from all the stress,
I should be proud of how my emotions burst out at the wrong time,
How I act like I'm bipolar,
I should like me but I don't .
Being here is a great thing for all of us,
I would have died a long time ago,
Died from murder, self-murder.
I'm supposed to be the motivational speaker in my head,
But no, everything in my head was stirred in all the trauma,
Everything leads to the negatives,
And why I can't stand up for myself.
I can feel how I'm always the bad person,
I believe every word they say,
I'm desperate for friends,
I want people knowing how I feel,
But I don't want them to know either.
Right there in the corner where I should be,
I should be cutting my ankles and knees.
I should be in the darkest corner of my room.
You know, the one at the left side of the window,
With a lighter in my brown and red hands,
Preparing myself for a pain in the tummy and lower thighs,
So that the pain they caused me seems less.
I should set my room on fire
And sit in the middle,
So that when someone tries saving me, they do it after I get burnt.
I wish I get help soon.
I should be walking outside after the fire 'accident'.
I should have my headphones and the realest music I've ever heard,
Music from NF,
I should get run over by a loaded truck,
But it should leave me alive.
I want them to cry when they see me,
Like they missed me,
I want them to visit me and when I recover, I want them to come and say sorry as if it was their father's truck.
I should just collapse at school,
Have them call my parents,
I should see a doctor, from an actual hospital with my favorite smell,
And the refreshing atmosphere,
I should be on the small single beds,
With tubes and tubes attached to me,
I should get a picture and have them post me with "get well soon" captions.
I should open my eyes, look at my phone and remember no one.
I should forget about them.
©eugenia
E