Skin of teeth.
Clamping down hard enough to crack a smile, anxiety risen to the level of a mile walked in shoes I own myself. Worn away faster than my will can replace. sensitive soul can't refuse to face. Gritting together the pieces of my being, knowing folks can't tell for the seeing. They won't react, and make it worse, at least it me, suffering this curse. Don't need sympathy, or special dispensations, when all I want is to go unnoticed by peoples attentions. Wish I could change, wish I could manage with out the mountain that is dread and always a challenge,. I'd love to get over my own broken brain, I don't even care if that means I no longer remain. As this person, who can't get it correct, weird and strange, and full of regret. That other people, don't feel as deeply as me, over the top of my own rationality. Overwhelming, and duly medicated, just enough to take the edge off. Allowing me to don my facade, denying the impulses that rise and are hard, to control. I want to just fit into this culture, but there are out there persons who prey on me like a vulture. Even tho, most folks are lovely, and want the best outcomes for all, take just the one for me to fall, down down down and blub like a girl. Leaking the emotion, out as tears, the hurt and pain accumilated over the years, I've spent taking it all on the chin, struggling in my own space unable to swim. Through all the feelings conflicting my mind, telling this brain, the worst of thing will indeed find, me.
Never mind, my mind... Don't ask me to explain, if i knew how to fix it I would not exclaim such painful, vulnerablity and honest subjection, the reality of me, am first to raise the objection. Am so tightly controled, they say am aloof, when really am trying, to nbot hit the roof, ort go another passiionat way, over doing my reaction to what folk do say, and do, in their own happy, lives. Yes am jealous I'd love to be normal, whichvc for me, just mean there is not and endless struggle. Just to get out the door, in my own little town. Where most know me enough not to frown.
Am so sorry, for my own weakness, am a human being, that really.. Really... Really. Care about you all, enough to say, please don't fall. Hold myself, above the all. of my own dysfunction, with the power of my will long enough to get done that which really will, help to prove, I am alive I am real, and for all the empty space around me. I can manage, to not let the feel, get the better of me,. and strike out at the unlucky, merely teasing me in jest, or simply calling me ducky.
Be nice be nice be nice... accomplished I 'ope, by the smallest of margins. And only costing everything I got, as the just keep going, has a price.
©wrennie
W