I lived my life in a constant fog. Anything to keep myself from the reality that surrounded me. I felt lonely because I was alone. In my head and my heart. I imagined a life free of the pain but part of me knew that life would never start. Things were not going to get better. Was I okay with it? Was I settling in to a broken, shattered, and unfixable state of mind. Was there any other kind, of state of mind to find? I felt nothing yet everything at the same time. Numb to the grime. Endless nights I stayed locked away in my head, reliving all the lives of mine that were now dead. Why wouldn't I just forget them instead. Why hold so tightly to the memories if they brought me such dread. Maybe I thought I deserved to feel the pain. Maybe I wanted them to drive me insane. To kill me more and more till none of myself could remain. Thoughts that crossed my mind in and out of the fog. As quickly as they came they faded away. Back in my dazed fog to get through another day. This had become all that I could be. Hell I wasn't even me. But there was a light ahead that I couldn't quite see. One day I would break free. And see my life in a most unfamiliar light. One were I could take hold of my perilous fight. Come to know more then just a fog in the darkest of night. Possibilities are coming to sight. Though the fog still lingers on through my mind. I still find myself feeling numb with no explanation to find. But in all honesty life is now somewhat kind. My struggle is still strong, don't get me wrong. My path to full recovery is discouragingly long. I still feel lonely because I know I'm alone. This fight is mine. But I can see hope. I no longer need the fog to cope.
©justin_ur
J