Even though we didn't have the best relationship, it was ours. yeah, we defiantly pissed each other off, we may have treated one another wrong at times, but we had a relationship that no one could ruin. People have told you to not "talk to me or try and have a relationship with me", and it was the same on my end. No matter the situation, the circumstances, what happened in between the time not seeing eachother, we never stopped wondering, or worrying about one another. I'm so thankful for being able to have people in my life that helped me make all of the trips I made possible, so that I could be there with you in the end. I may not have had the "best" life, and I KNOW I haven't made the "best" choices, but you DID try and be there when "she" didn't have complete control over your mind, more than I could see. Most of the time you had tried to be there, you had "her" controlling your every move, your life. "She's" good at that, ya know? I've seen too many people get hooked on "her", as sad as that is. I've always been jealous of "her", how "she" got all of your time, all of your attention, but most of all, all of your love. I've hated "her" my entire life. I've wished so many things in my life time, but if there was "one" wish that anyone could have given me, "one" wish that would have actually came true, I would have wished you NEVER MET "HER"! I don't blame you for it though, how could I be such a hypocrite? I've done my wrong with "them". I've never let "her" get to me, and I think I can honestly say "she" never will. I'm so, so sorry though. Most people sit here and say, "It was his fault". "It's the life he chose". "He deserved it". You know, that makes me kind of sick to think people could say those things or feel that way, to think that is what people actually think about a person whose mind was so controlled, he couldn't even cry for help most of the time. I may have thought those same things a long, long time ago, but I've lived, I've seen, I've grown, and I've been through so much bullshit that my mind can't think that way anymore. Judge all you want, I wouldn't have typed this whole thing out if I didn't expect judgment. I've seen my dad's cry for help. I've seen it through messages, through his countless attempts to go somewhere and physically get help, and through his sad eyes during the times I got to see him. I know in my heart what his life was, and what it is. I know who he was was as a son, a brother, an uncle, a friend, and so much more, but BEST of all as My Father. That's all that matters in the end. All that matters is that I got to see him for all of the roles he played in his short lifetime. I feel like I can't talk about my daddy to anyone, because when I do all I get to hear is, "you didn't know him", "he wasnt even there for you", "how could you love someone like that". My response is simply,
He was, and IS my father, my dad, my daddy, what ever I may call you at the moment. Just because my family, or life hasn't or isn't picture perfect like some of yours doesn't mean mine is wrong. I might have wished that you would have changed your ways, or at least didn't let "her" control you so bad that there had to be so much absence in my life, but I've never once thought anything of you being a "failure", or any less of a "person", any less of a "dad", and I have never loved you any less. I don't really have a point to this novel I've managed to type, and I'm usually not big on writing statuses, or sharing my life story on here, but for some reason I did. I've thought none stop about you since you first went into that coma, and especially since you've passed away. I can't change what our relationship was, but I wouldn't give what we've had together for anything in this world, especially now. I still haven't cried since you've been gone, I guess I just feel like "she" has you again and you'll come around when you gain a little power back. Its probably not healthy that I haven't had a chance to technically "cope" with your death. I want to accept it, I want to cry, I want to be mad, I want to blame someone, I want all these things, but I can't seem to grasp the fact that you are "REALLY GONE". All I know for now is I miss you like I've never comprehended what it means to actually "Miss" another human being. I have so much left in this lifetime, so many things to accomplish, so much room to learn and grow as a woman, and unfortunately you can't be here to witness any of that. I wasn't able to accomplish anything to make you proud while you were still here to see, and that kills me. I know now how precious "time" is, and I know now, not take advantage of it. Cherish every person in your life, every picture moment, every second, every accomplishment, just cherish this little thing we call "time", because you never know when yours or someone you loves time will run out. I just keep going, and I probably could continue this on, and on, because I literally haven't even talked about my dad like this since he's passed, but I'll stop now. Lol.
I just wanna say I love you daddy, I always have and I always will.
Rest easy, and stay looking over all of us down here.
#RIP 10.31.78-11.27.17
-Love your only daughter
C