I'm not sure of nothing. September of 2022 sprinkled me with so much of sadness. I knew I was fool underneath my carefully-applied appearance. Everything about me gave me less hope. Everynight in the downstair room, I'd cry alone while my members assumed I was studying peacefully.
I was frightened by those scenes my rushing thoughts rudely delivered. My love for my loved ones, my struggle to succeed in my examinations, my own personal insecurities: my lack of confidence and stumbling words & failures, societal judgement over my performances. I almost thought I was losing my few friends I had, I had no courage to offer them back the kind of bond which they always expects from me, although they were always besides me.Some of my mind went over my lecturers thinking they'd all hate me because I'll never be able to pay back good results for their work. I still think I'm never their expected students, though nobody said.
Random thoughts over those sick patients battling for a chance of another days. Those precious lives of people living homeless, those hopeless and depressed ones having every luxuries but at the moment holding sharp edged blade to give up trying. Loved ones crying for their loved ones to come back alive. I've had the heaviest feeling. I was not happy living, nor, be glad to die as a result of those thoughts. But I was very certain, I thought myself fully useless like, what am I even doing doing nothing.
In October 2022, I cut my own hair after a series of depression. I wanted to break free. I felt the need to try changing. Not to look good/bad for the eyes of hundreds that surrounds me, but for my own eyes. Before I could take any step further, I had a wonderful evening looking myself in the mirror and admired all my 'dis, mis, un.' accompanied with tears. That person in the mirror stared me silently, so disgustingly looked to me; the more I stare close, the more I found her flaws and that was freaking scary.
September-October-November flew without saying me hi. I was never inspired. So I observed many things although I knew I can never put those experience in words. I wake up, some chores, went for classes, back home, regular work, tutored my niece, then back to sleep(rotated in circle)
December, I forced myself to get little sun and shine. I sewed Christmas dress for my cousin's family + my few earned cash from my tution fee received.
And this was for the first time after months of trying, I found my joy. Now what adds more to my happiness was, I, for the 1st time in my entire 22 yrs of life, bought some goods for myself by myself, a set of eggs and fresh fish and buns&biscuits for my lovely cousins since its where I stay and for my parents, a thrifted pants and shirts. I dyed my hair from my savings.Hehe I kept few thousands for my 2023 journey.
On the last day of 2022, I chopped my hair so short. Many loved it, some said its a disaster,A COMPLETE NO . But who cares! I was happy with my new daring spirit.
I'm super proud of my december self.
January 2023, I entered with new haircut, new dressing style, new minds, new hope, new faith. I got my scholarship and added my saved to buy myself thrifted sneaker, and so many little stuffs which brought me back my smile.
And I talked with my dream butterfly☄️
February. I went to picnic with my mates and this was my 1st experience. I was until that day, never had interested in any group and its activities but I forced to stick to it no more.
I'm happy penning it down tonight, at this moment.
Best part, everyone of us doing fine, so I have nothing to complain but just keep praising God for holding me up.
Amen.
(6th Feb.2022)
©enung.
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