Don't Get Fat

I used to be anorexic.
Had an eating disorder for ten years.
I always hated my body.
Hated how my thighs touched.
Hated how my butt was too big.
Hated that I had the curves of a woman.
I got really sick.
I refused to eat for days.
I would have these hunger pains
that would bring me to my knees.
I wanted to cry.
I wanted to scream.
But I just hid away until the pain stopped
and then continued on my day.
I've collapsed.
I have blacked out.
I caused permanent damage to my stomach
and my liver...
and my intestines.
I risked my ability to have children.
I lost my hair.
I started shopping in the kids section.
I avoided my friends and my family.
I was sick of them telling me to eat.
I was sick of them saying they were worried.
I was sick of them telling me I was sick...
I didn't have dinner with my parents.
I replaced food with cigarettes.
Replaced meal times with forced naps.
I got sicker.
I ended up in the hospital.
I couldn't touch my legs together if I tried
because my knees were in the way.
I could count every rib.
I could count every vertebrae.
And I scared everyone...
But then I got better.
I started to eat again.
I went from 85 lbs to 100.
From 100 to 105.
And then 110.
I felt better.
I didn't feel sick anymore.
I had energy I hadn't had since I was a child.
I smiled more.
I went out more.
I enjoyed my curves.
I accepted my body.
I loved my body.
Then I met you.
"Don't get fat on me."
"You shouldn't eat that, it's unhealthy."
"I just want you to be healthy."
"It's more fun to have sex with a skinny chick."
I gained more weight.
I finally enjoyed food.
I finally enjoyed the company surrounding the dinner table.
120 lbs.
I was finally a "healthy" weight...
to everyone but you.
"Thunder thighs."
"Chubby."
"Don't get fat."
"Don't get fat."
Don't. Get. Fat.
I won't.
Because I went 10 years without eating.
Ten years of sickness trumps one year of food.
I can give it up again.
Because you make me miss being sick.
You make me miss my anorexia.
don't get fat...
©hollywood.