I know my outside is a charade it's as if I was showing someone a funhouse mirror maze and forcing them to go through every wrong turn until they see me
I have fake skin and everyday I'm reminded of the amount of work I go through to construct this monument to my myself
Countless of times I've used knives as seam rippers to open my insides so I don't have to be in this sorry excuse of a skin suit
I've cut and dug my way into my own being watching myself feel misplaced like a pine tree in the middle of a lilac filled field just to realise who I am
I came out as trans when I was about 14ish as if no one has witnessed how different I am how miserable I was as a man
My parents used their words to twist and turn my sense of safety into something of dread as if their fear and anger could hold me into this society that I was brought into against my will
Everyday I'm alive I wake up to fear
The fear of not being able to use the bathroom holding my bladder until I'm ready to explode because I'm afraid of causing a scene
Afraid to have a man beat me up in the men's room because "I'm different"
Afraid to be called out and accused in the women's room "because I'm a creep"
Where am I to go knowing that either place isnt a safe space
I've come to understand everything I do in life is a bother to someone somewhere and I'm done with pushing myself to uncomfortable places to satisfy others fears and hatred
I will use the bathroom I want
I will wear my dresses proudly and proclaim "it has pockets"
I will continue getting shitty tattoos to hide scars left from the scissors I used to remove my fake skin and embrace the fact that as the owner of my body, my mind, and my beautiful butterfly shaped soul I can alter this skin to match who I am
I will no longer cower in fear of upsetting people as if I care about their opinions as if their words can force me to hide who I am
I will embrace how wonderful I look when I twirl in my dresses as if I was a twirling tower of self love and I will cast aside any hatred towards me as if its garbage
And no one can stop me from being happy
©diana_b
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