You see, my struggles are hardly ever talked about
Not because people dont care no,
Its just, no one properly describes what it feels like...to be me
Do you ever get frustrated at people that think they are empowering us by saying "be strong"?
Some times I feel like I want to scream back at them, shut up. Have you ever tried to be strong a million times over in your life ?
Have you ever dragged yourself into the shower and just sit there, and cry, noiseless mouth gaping cries that feels like a vaccum sucking the breath out of you because you think some of the pain escapes that way but it doesnt, pain is stuck in the unseen abyss of your soul that only you can get out, one day,if ever you are strong enough
Or just lay there on your arm under the shower, without a tiny ounce of strength to do any single thing
Moments where you envision GOD closer to your face than life itself
You leave there feeling like you've said so much into empty air despite not uttering a word, at all
Do you ever have random thoughts of what it would be like if one of their Father's stayed to help you raise them ?
Thoughts that invade your remainder of peace and pollute your soul
Leaving you engulfed in severe emotional distress but you tone it up with a forced smile and sturdiness so the kids won't detect your sadness
Sometimes Ide be doing something with one of the kids and boom, you appear on my visor. And Ide try so hard not to cry, I dont want my baby seeing me like that.
I see other ladies posting about their kids Father, they are still together you know
But here I am praying each night to find someone that will love my babies and me, someone that will look past my kids and see me for me, for the broken hearted girl that still uad love to give despite how fragile she is
Praying that round 3 wont steal whatever little happiness I have left in my life.
Ide like to be told its okay, do you want to cry ? Come here sit down and cry, as loud and as hard as you want to.
Ide like for parents to be responsible enough to pick up and bring home the young girl that had his baby, bring them home and tell them to stay. This is where responsibility begins for your son.
Ide like for his sisters to stop making me feel out of place, isnt it enough that I carried your flesh in my womb for nine months, dont justify his actions based on my character. A little girl goes Fatherless because you thought he was right by dumping us and leaving all the work to me to raise her.
Did you know, I had a choice and I chose to keep the child because I love your brother.
His Father, you never liked me I know because your son always fell under my spell and refused to listen to you. That is where your anger towards me stemmed.
You threatened me, you disliked me. But of what you exerted on me, I always found a way to convert that to love, that love fed, clothed and housed your son when you disowned him over me. How many times over do I need to prove myself worthy of your son ?
I faced your adverse treatments in my worst, any other girl wouldve gotten up and left.
But I stayed, time and again. . . Until you took him away from me.
And what of the child I carry in my belly ?
You created boundaries where there shouldnt be any
Not for the dear life I carry inside me
Because of what has happened, this love child will never experience what its like to be the centre of a love that fused to make her. .
©lisathea
L