I am Jasper

"𝑊ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑎𝑚 𝐼?"
"𝑊ℎ𝑜 𝑎𝑚 𝐼?"
"𝑊ℎ𝑦 𝑑𝑜 𝐼 ℎ𝑎𝑡𝑒 𝑚𝑦𝑠𝑒𝑙𝑓 𝑠𝑜 𝑚𝑢𝑐ℎ?"
"𝑊ℎ𝑦 𝑑𝑜 𝐼 𝑓𝑒𝑒𝑙 𝑑𝑖𝑓𝑓𝑒𝑟𝑒𝑛𝑡 𝑓𝑟𝑜𝑚 𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑦𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝑒𝑙𝑠𝑒?"
These are questions I ask myself everyday.
I've been uncomfortable in mt body since a very young age.
I was born as a girl,
I was born as 𝒮𝒶𝓂𝒶𝓃𝓉𝒽𝒶.
Growing up I hated my name, I hated that wasn't allowed to do as much as my older brother, I hated that I was looked down upon for being a girl.
Something about me being a girl didn't feel right.
'She...Her'....I hated being called that.
It wasn't until I was 12 years old that I first heard the word, 'T͟r͟a͟n͟s͟g͟e͟n͟d͟e͟r͟'.
I remember that there was a news documentary about it.
My mother was sitting while watching the documentary and saw me staring at the t.v
She sat me down and and me, "𝑆𝑎𝑚𝑚𝑦, 𝑑𝑜 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑘𝑛𝑜𝑤 𝑎𝑛𝑦𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑤𝑎𝑠 𝑏𝑜𝑟𝑛 𝑎 𝑏𝑜𝑦 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑤𝑎𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑑 𝑡𝑜 𝑏𝑒 𝑎 𝑔𝑖𝑟𝑙?"
I looked at her and shook my head.
"𝑁𝑜", I replied.
Ever since that day, the word 'T͟r͟a͟n͟s͟g͟e͟n͟d͟e͟r͟' was constantly on my mind.
Every day I went to school, I would go to the library and search up the meaning.
I read so many articles about it, until I saw a picture of the little girl I saw on t.v.
𝒥𝒶𝓏𝓏, was her name and she was 'T͟r͟a͟n͟s͟g͟e͟n͟d͟e͟r͟'.
I kept reading that article and when people would ask het mother questions about why her son was now a girl, she said '𝐸𝑣𝑒𝑟 𝑠𝑖𝑛𝑐𝑒 𝐽𝑎𝑧𝑧 𝑤𝑎𝑠 𝑏𝑜𝑟𝑛, ℎ𝑒 𝑎𝑙𝑤𝑎𝑦𝑠 𝑡𝑎𝑙𝑘𝑒𝑑 𝑎𝑏𝑜𝑢𝑡 𝑏𝑎𝑟𝑏𝑖𝑒𝑠 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑑𝑟𝑒𝑠𝑠𝑒𝑠. 𝐻𝑒 𝑤𝑜𝑢𝑙𝑑 𝑡𝑒𝑙𝑙 𝑚𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑡 ℎ𝑒 𝑖𝑓 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑜𝑛𝑙𝑦 𝑤𝑎𝑦 ℎ𝑒 𝑐𝑜𝑢𝑙𝑑 𝑤𝑒𝑎𝑟 𝑎 𝑑𝑟𝑒𝑠𝑠𝑒𝑠 𝑤𝑎𝑠 𝑡𝑜 𝑏𝑒𝑐𝑜𝑚𝑒 𝑎 𝑔𝑖𝑟𝑙 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑛 𝑠𝑜 𝑏𝑒 𝑖𝑡. 𝐵𝑦 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑡𝑖𝑚𝑒 𝐽𝑎𝑧𝑧 𝑤𝑎𝑠 6 𝑦𝑒𝑎𝑟𝑠 𝑜𝑙𝑑, ℎ𝑒 𝑡𝑜𝑙𝑑 𝑚𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑡 ℎ𝑒 𝑤𝑎𝑠 𝑎 𝑔𝑖𝑟𝑙 𝑖𝑛 𝑎 𝑏𝑜𝑦𝑠 𝑏𝑜𝑑𝑦".
It was at that moment it hit me....That's exactly how I felt. I felt that I was not what my body proved to be.
"𝐼 𝑎𝑚 𝑎 𝑏𝑜𝑦 𝑡𝑟𝑎𝑝𝑝𝑒𝑑 𝑖𝑛 𝑎 𝑔𝑖𝑟𝑙𝑠 𝑏𝑜𝑑𝑦".
That very same day I got home from school and ran to the living room.
I sat both my parents down and said, "𝐼 𝑤𝑎𝑛𝑡 𝑡𝑜 𝑏𝑒 𝑎 𝑏𝑜𝑦! 𝐼 𝑑𝑜𝑛'𝑡 𝑤𝑎𝑛𝑡 𝑡𝑜 𝑏𝑒 𝑎 𝑔𝑖𝑟𝑙 𝑎𝑛𝑦𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒, 𝐼'𝑚 𝑎 𝑏𝑜𝑦".
Both my parents were shocked. My father then threatened me that if I became a boy, then he would kick me out of the house.
My mother stopped him and told him to go back in the kitchen and continue reading.
My mother then asked me, '𝐴𝑟𝑒 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑠𝑒𝑟𝑖𝑜𝑢𝑠? 𝐼𝑠 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑤ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑡𝑟𝑢𝑒𝑙𝑦 𝑤𝑎𝑛𝑡?"
I couldn't say a word. I was then scared to say anymore and so I ran up to my room and cried.
2 years later I wasn't living with my parents anymore. After I got back home from the psych-ward, after admitting what was done to me from my father and brother, I was moved to live with a friend of the families.
While at the same time, we discovered that my mother was diagnosed with leukemia.
There was a restraining order put in place between my father, brother and me.
My mother would come down to visit and play games with me and sometimes, we would just talk.
It was in my grade 9 year that I finally came out as transgender.
I switched my name to 𝒜𝓁ℯ𝓍.
My teachers then changed my name in the school's system.
I was bullied all my life but it got even worse when I came out.
I would constantly have people dead name me and call me faggot.
When I came out to my mother and my kinship family, they accepted me for who I was.
Even though I got bullied at school I still had supports in place to help me through my transition.
Late last year in 2019, I was moved into a group home.
People still supported me but I was upset that I was even further away from my mother.
I would still have opportunities to visit my mother and be with her. I felt so lucky that I had her in my life.
However things started to get worse.
My mom was constantly in and out of the hospital and her health was getting worse.
This year 2020 on mother's day she passed away.
She never got to see the person that I have yet to become.
I had so much I wanted to do with her, so much I wanted her know. But it's too late.
After she died, I could no longer stand to be called Alex.
After a while of me trying to find the right name for myself.
I am 15 now and I have finally chosen a name that suits me.
I am 𝒥𝒶𝓈𝓅ℯ𝓇.
©xjasperx