I hate my self

Dear little sister guess what i hate my self i can see ur face now the smile u would have and the positive words u would have for but im sorry i hate my self i remember when we was told about u then u were here a beautiful little baby girl that i would protect with my life u were so kind u only seen the good even in the worst like me i hate myself because i miss some of the most important years of ur short time her i let the person u call mom push me to the brink of drugs and alcohol its what made me feel gave me a moment to breath im sorry i hate my self i stayed till i was 15 the same age u were when we lost u i couldnt take anymore the hate those people radiate and we call them mom and dad i stay and took as many beatings as i could i always tried to keep u from seeing and that none of u ever had that happen to im sorry i hate myself i think of all the good u would have done the hearts u would have touched the warmth of the love u spread and the people u helped i wish i coulda stopped It that i coulda taken ur place taken ur pain i wish i could have been there more that u could see ur nephew and nieces now u have would be so proud as they are that u was there aunt and ur heart and love u shared with them to young to soon to early im sorry i hate my self one day i hope to hug u again and share these word with u these feelings these emotions that i keep locked upped inside never letting them out in fear that if i do then id have to say it then id have to admit it and im not ready yet not sure if i will ever be but still i hold the one true gift u ever gave me that was to look deep in to someone and see the good in them i love and always will i guess till i see u ill be here hateing myself