Mom you know how much I love you
This is hard for me to say
But I have been keeping secrets
And lying to you every day
My heart is so full of guilt
I didn’t know how to tell you why
Every day I carried my sordid secret
It really made me cry
It started when I was seven years old
I was daddies special girl
I was such a happy child
You and daddy were my whole world
Daddy used to sit me on his knee
And really hugged me tight
I used to love all the stories
That he read to me at night
But then he started touching me
In a very different way
I told him I didn’t like it
It’s our secret he would always say
I used to dread the feelings
When he came into my room at night
I would always start to cry
I knew what he was doing wasn’t right
This carried on through my childhood
Right into my teen years
My daddy told me it was ok
And talked me through all my fears
Saying I would never hurt you
You are very special can’t you see
As he slipped into my bed at night
And started having sex with me
I hated every single moment
The smell of his hot breath on my face
The faint odour of his stale aftershave
Overwhelmed my space
He really degraded me and made me feel
Disgust and great shame
It got so bad that I would shake with fear
At the mere mention of his name
I'm so sorry mom I was so scared to tell you
He said if I told you it would kill you
He said he would deny it
And it would break up our family too
So I kept my sordid secret
For over thirty years from you
But now you have passed away
I want to tell you what I went through
I hope you can forgive me
You meant the world to me
I didn’t want to break your heart
I hope you can see
I had to keep my sordid secret
So I didn’t hurt you as-well
I don’t care about dads feelings
I hope he rots in hell
He took away my childhood
And all my memories too
He tainted everything in my life
By what he did to me and you
So mommy please forgive me
I didn’t know what to do
I know if I had told you
It would have ruined your life too
Mommy I really miss you
My life gets harder every day
I only wish that I had told you
To make it all go away
I hope you can hear me mommy
I need to tell you this
There is no one in this life
Except you that I miss
© Tanmoy
©lostlove00
L