I have an urge to bash my head into the nearest brick wall until my brains blend in with the red and orange colors.
I want to scream all of my insecurities and proclaim that I am no better or worse than anyone else.
But mostly I want to cry and yell and die.
I can't fix it anymore.
I can't hold on.
Jesus keeps me going, but I can't walk half way and keep myself together.
I am falling apart and all of the pieces are disintegrating before I can reach them.
I picture everyone I love dying in my nightmares and sometimes I envy them.
I envy the pain and the grief and depression they no longer have.
I want to crack my chest and rip out the pains that ail me.
I want to hurt myself so I don't have to hurt.
I want to give up.
But mostly I want to belong in a world.
I want a life
To be accepted
To be able to talk without being judged then yelled at
I want to be done
I want to stop feeling like everything is ending and Im screaming inside for help but no one is there anymore
I want to go.
I want to see the words I type instead of looking through a kaleidoscope of tears.
Damn look at the things I want.
©katherine
K