Leaning against the railing, head slightly hanging, legs carelessly thrown over the sides, I let the wind run through my hair and all over my face.
How could it have gotten stale all over a sudden ?
Is this my curse for having stopped waiting for the love of my life to come back ?
Why did I drink that much yesterday ? Am I still denying how much pain I am in after losing him ?
But I dont even know this guy, I know nothing about him. He doesnt mean anything to me, yet I was drunk enough to sleep with him
Ashamed at myself more than anything I grabbed myself off the landing and strode to the shower, despite it being a 34°C that day, I still blasted the hot water so I could wash the shame from my skin
Apart of me told me folded itself because I knew that this was it. This was the point I wasnt going to turn around any longer.
I crawled into the shower and just sat there, with hope of this man's memories to be wiped clean of my skin.
Hours later after that,standing in the mirror, I still could not wipe off anything from my feelings. The steam cleared off the mirror, she that stared empty eyed back at me was not me. She was hung over, and looked to be in constant argument over unseen and unheard convos in her head, I wished to just step out of my own body and to give her the biggest hug and tell her is okay my girl, its okay dont be too hard on yourself, you cant always wait for a man that chose his family over you, besides why do you feel guilty when he has been changing girls like he changes his sweaters ?
Mins later my phone vibrates off the counter near the sink, New Message from +67571864247
"Hey, how are you doing ? Did you wake up already ? I am outside. Pls come out to the verandah where I can see you and make sure you are okay"
I towelled my skin carelesy and limped out feeling a little better, let the wind catch my damp hair and skin and I looked down, what was supposedly a one night stand was standi g beneath the tree over the carefully placed high iron fencing. I studied him lazily, lifted a hand to acknowledge him. He smiled back at me, it was a smile that reminded me of how a boy in grade school smiles at his crushes. It tickled my senses, I snapped out of my daze and pulled the phone from the side of my shorts waist band and replied his text.
"I am okay, what makes you think I wouldnt be, besides, where did you get my number from ? Thanks for checking in on me. What happened must never get out to the whole school"
His reply: "Dont you think thats inevitable ? its a Maritime school, word still gets out. Besides, I git your number from your cousin remember? He and I are in the same class"
For a moment there, I didnt know how to react. I just put my phone away and turned and walked, it was either I knew I had finally moved on or I was too tired to stay up feeling guilty. This is the first day I begun my first step away from years of crying and going hungry.
Will it all be resetted to what it was before ?
I hoped, thats all I had. Hope.
Keep and eye peeled for my next write up ❤ Emotions turned to words 🙏
©lisathea
L