"When does it get better?
Everyday is a repeat of the previous day,
Every minute seems like forever,
Nothing is working out,
I'm giving up."
"I'm slowly loosing it,
I'm tired of fighting a loosing battle,
I'm exhausted from holding on to life,
I'm tired of forcing things."
"This pain is unbearable,
The screams are messing me up,
I'm tired of being a prisoner in my own head,
I'm tired of this life,
I'm tired of being alive."
It was around midnight,
When he video called me via WhatsApp,
I sat there quietly and listen to him,
Not knowing what to do
Because it was the first time I saw him like that,
He was always this strong guy
Who held me everytime I fell.
He taught me how to smile again
Not knowing that his was a fake,
He made me so happy while inside,
He was falling apart.
I couldn't believe that my strong piller
Was collapsing,
I couldn't believe that he bottled up so much
Just to be strong for me,
It broke me to see him so broken,
It hurt me so much to see him in tears.
He showed me his scars,
Wait a minute he actually had scars,
Curved on his chest, tummy and thighs
Places I never saw,
All that glitters is not gold right?
I was blinded by own pain,
Not to see his pain,
I was selfish for he always listened to me
But I never listened to him,
I always ran to him when I was in pain,
I remembered him the most when I was hurting.
And all the times he'd call me,
I'd tell him I'm busy,
Even when I wasn't.
Little did I know that those who appear strong
Are actually not,
And those that smile the most hurt the most,
Strange right?
That night he killed himself,
As I watched him,
I tried to call his parents but none picked,
Called 911 but it was too late,
We lost him,
I lost him.
Ooh God, I can't do this...
So tomorrow is his funeral,
I don't have the strength to attend,
For I failed him,
I feel like if I was a little keen I'd have noticed,
Maybe I'd have saved him,
Maybe he'd still be a live.
Today dressed in all black
Is the day I watch everyone let
him down for the last time,
Everyone including me,
Mourning the only person who was ever there for me,
The only person who understood me,
And stood by me.
No, it's not him in that coffin,
"Please wake up" I try shaking his body,
"Please don't leave me "
In my imagination I see him smile,
I see him wave goodbye,
"No I'm not saying good-bye"
"I'm not letting go, " I scream
I try to stop him from leaving,
I ran after him,
And everyone looks at me as if I'm going insane.
The strongest hold me down,
Trying to tell me that he's forever gone,
But my ears can't take that
I scream to the top of my voice again,
"James, James please don't leave me."
So tonight drinking from my bottle of whiskey,
Hoping that I'd forget everything,
Hoping the pain will fade,
But now I'm left all alone,
With his and my pain all combined
No amount of liquor can fix that.
I won't say goodbye!
©mara_pain.
Life is a series of pain.
©mara_pain
M