Most of the time I'm not sure if I'm happy or if I'm sad,
Unaware of emotion not sure if it's good or if it's bad.
Obsessed with higher meaning to most I must seem mad,
Projecting my thoughts, mind to pen to pad.
Sometimes my thoughts are clean collected and crystal clear,
Full of joy happiness and cheer every word is sincere.
Sometimes my thoughts are frantic, fabricated and full of fear,
Undecided and undirected everything seems unclear.
I look in the mirror unsure and undecided on what I can see,
Not sure if I can see myself or someone trying to break free.
Is this a figment of my imagination or is it pure damnation,
Struggling to focus on life I've lost sight and concentration.
Derailed, deranged and demented but somehow still contented,
Tired, tender and tormented my mind feels like it's fermented.
Living with multiple personalities can cause technicalities within the formalities of life; it feels like I'm living within multiple realities.
Every day is different and today I feel amazing on top of the world aurora blazing I feel like sun gazing.
Tomorrow will likely be a different story could be in a completely different category, my mind will be in different territory.
For now I'll enjoy this blissful feeling it really is quite appealing, I need to stop concealing my feelings and maybe be a little more revealing.
It's hard to keep the same mindset when every day seems to be reset,
following my silhouette eyes open wide, shoulders heavyset.
To some people I may seem rude, when really I'm subdued,
To others I may seem crude, with an antisocial attitude.
I can be crude and I can be rude but only when my mind is in a state of solitude; suffering from some kind of social ineptitude.
I like to include I try not to intrude, I keep my ego within me don't let it protrude, one of my worst fears is to be badly viewed.
I want to be happy not sad but all I seem to do is seclude myself and exclude myself, it's like a never ending Interlude.
I seem to go through phases where happiness is achievable,
Without any sense of change happiness becomes inconceivable.
Sometimes it feels like I'm trying to achieve the unachievable,
These hours,days, months and years wasted; they're irretrievable.
Maybe there's more to it all then meets the eye I need to identify where my problems lie, ask myself why then detoxify.
I need to work on myself my mind's in a mess like a pig sty,
If I don't start to act soon my mind will fizzle out and fry.
A.D
19.09.19
©ashadare
©_poetandididntknowit_
A