Life is uncertain and unfair,
Some get all on their plate,
Yet some have none, but despair;
No income, no life, no partner, no guide,
Just like a blind person all alone in the hour of the grim,
No light, no hope, no love....
No reason to live.
No reason to see a new sun rise,
No reason to see the moonlight over the dark nights,
No reason to be in a place, I never belonged...
Just like a log of wood floating on a turbulent stream,
Just like an aimless, powerless piece of wood been swayed by powerful currents of my grim destiny.
Just like a small stone by the stream,
Which was once sturdy enough to stand against the current,
Now eroded by the tides of time, reduced to a fraction of what it used to be..
Just like how loneliness and desperation ate my mind away.
I feel so hollow and incomplete,
A lifeless shell, with an urge to perish.
An urge to go into the embrace of death,
An urge to walk the serene and tranquil path of the other world, when I close my eyes for a final time;
Knowing that I won't ever wake up to see,
The very world which wronged me and pushed me away.
I laugh and mock myself often,
The younger me who shared myself with the wrong people,
Alas, I still regret letting go of that youth of mine,
So in vain, So in vain....
Pathetic as I am, I want to go now.
Bid me off ever so calmly, ever so bravely.
Just like a dolphin who stopped moving it's fins,
And sinks to the bottom of the limitless;
Knowing that it will be my grave.
....... But why do my fins move?
Why can't I sink?
What is this lingering sense of regret and dilemma?
Just what is this feeling?
What's with the sudden cold feet?
Am I... Do I perhaps want to live??
Go back to the world? The one where I don't belong???
No... No way... Why... Why??
I want to go but my legs won't move.
I am staring at it's face but he won't take me;
The grim is staring back but he won't take me..
Am I not desperate enough??
Was I so pathetic that I don't even deserve to die?
Why do I feel this urge to live; when all I wished for was death??
I wished and wished and wished..
I.. I was so desperate.. but was I desperate enough to die?
Was it just an excuse to run away from my failure, from my mistakes??
Was I irredeemable??
Can I live??
Go back to where I belong!!
No... No... No... I - I - I don't know why my legs pull back, why can't I walk the path of tranquility, my body won't move..
I - I don't want it after all,
I want to live too, to see the sun rise, to see the moonlight, to feel the soft wind on my cheeks..
I want to become the stone strong enough never to be eroded away..
But can I get it?
Maybe!... Maybe I can???
If I just try agai-....
Oh.... I see.. I was late..
By the time I realized what my heart wants, I was already sinking in the limitless void;
Maybe the bridge wasn't high enough.
The abyss of my heart is still growing albeit slower as I am about to sleep for a while.
I finally found my purpose, but at what cost??
I was deemed unable to achieve or confront it the moment I found it..
I see..
I lacked... I lacked the will..
I lacked the will to fight back,
I lacked the courage to stand for myself,
Maybe I had some friends as well, and a family too who Maybe loved me as I was,
But their faces seem blurry.. so far.. so far..
Maybe I am already too deep,
I see so this is the end..
So this is what death feels like..
Well this is my last Goodbye;
I was the loser after all..
©warai_oni
W