It's been years since I've attended my daughter's birthday party?
she turned 21 on the 26th of April.
I took her out that day and spent quality time just her and i.
that's always been my thing to do.
I figured that it was fine to continue celebrating days like this the way that's most comfortable for me to get through.
until today, when she had told me that nana said, "Why can't your mom come over and celebrate your birthday over here with you?
at that moment, my brain started to overthink all these scenarios that put me in a state of mind, thinking what if and what should I do.
afraid of showing up and embarrassing my daughter.
what if I become uncomfortable being around people that I don't care too much for or even want to speak to.
what if I have a panic attack and I react in a way that normal moms wouldn't do?
I'm struggling right now, can't pull myself together to get ready, face my fears of being antisocial, even if it is my daughter's birthday party,
It's hard to convince myself i can do this, I pray that today, I can show up and not let anyone's opinion or look get to me.
every day is an obstacle that I fear to fail, that's why I avoid things that make me feel obligated, and do what I know so well...
answer to no one that I don't want to, stay inside away from the world, I consider hell.
©mamacita79
M