stricken with awe and disbelief, I was a child once upon a time, but inside I still feel as though I'm a kid with an adult mind, as a result of the stress and grief I had succomed to at the hands of your beatings, I look back on it now and it all seems like it wasn't even real, who I am now would never let you get down on me like that and if you tried, I'd kill. as I sit in alone this empty room, it's desolate and quiet, deafaning silence, the rings in my ears and white noise that's full of screams I hear every night coming from outside, sometimes it's a woman, sometimes it's a child. you know I never thought too much about it, but o
speaking on this particular topic, it could all just be symbolic, but the every time I think I've found an answer my mind never lets me forget im also psychotic, I some times wonder what my beautiful wife is thinking as certain situations come up as opposed to what she's vocalising, that's not mean to be an attack, I just know that whay what's thinking and what she's saying sometimes don't necessarily match, it's so hard for me to be straight forward with her and give her a clean cut honest answer, when she ask me the question what's wrong, because o feel I've made the same mistake she's all too familiar with of setting your self up with impossible standards, what's wrong, such a simple question, yet for me, causes anxiety and frustration, everyones calling me piece of shit, bastard, or telling me how much they hate me and when there not, there making jokes about how I'm some god, because of how I do this or that, or how smart they think I am or sometimes because of my size, but alongside that is my reputation for having such a strong mind that can't be broken, a spirit so strong it can't be shooken and confidence that stands the test of time. and for the most part those things are true, but those rare moments when they say those things too me, and I feel there lies, I wish they could know that just by looking into my eyes, and I set myself up for that, by being exactly what they pin me as, and I've done that once before and it almost made me a killer psychopath, I feel so alone inside because everyone believes none of what they hear, only what they see, and thats good logic if your just reading Machiavellian philosophy, but that's not me, I'm tough to read, so the only way I can really let anyone in on how I'm feeling is to tell them but if you follow that logic I talked about earlier, then I get disregarded and told I'm throwing a pitty party, and why, because I'm feeling things that you've never known the all knowing great and powerful Nick to feel, so therefore I'm making it up and for what, so someone will kiss my ass to heal the wounds, bruises and cuts, no one ever stops to think hmm maybe Nick really does mean what hes saying, let me at least give him a chance and see where this leads. which therefore leads me to prolong and at a certain point actually start to believe in my insecurities, see they start out as little whispers and questions in my head that I can usually just brush off my shoulder, but with enough back up and less reassurance they quickly roll up into huge fucking Boulders, rolling down a hill right at me at blazing high speeds, and when I'm crushed I'm done, there's no getting back on my feet, and then begins the ride home right back to alcoholics ville located just east of pain pill city, but it's whatever I guess, I'm probably just being a little bitch trying to confess about this shit that I'm letting cause me too much stress, but I know I haven't got much left in me, the tank is on empty, my emotions are at a all time high of toxicity, my mind's no longer listening to me, and my hearts now resenting me, im resisting any and all Assistance to this dissonance that's persistening in me, I'm sorry for all the incidents and conflicts that have arisen by me single handedly bringing my existence into any and all your realities, I guess it's my selfishness and carelessness that allows me to be so malicious and care free, along with reckless and no sympathy, there's not really to many other ways I can say it though, I'm low on self esteem and high on insecurities and everyone and everything just keeps on feeding into it including me. I guess sometimes even I wonder what other people are thinking, regardless of you hear me speak. it's true, sometimes I'm just as weak as all of you.
©sundance96
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