I stopped following my heart the moment it led me into loosing my mind and found myself in a trap of bitterness
However hard I tried I couldn’t forgive myself for what I chose to be!
I hid my face from reality and masked my wounds but they could still stink rottenness and visible they were ,so fresh!
I hated every inch of my skin, I ached everytime, I hated the fact that I was breathing still ,yet my blood grew cold as ice.
What is life anyway, maybe God finds joy in my suffering more than the devil does.
I didn’t understand phrases like, ‘There’s light at the end of the tunnel, joy comes in the morning ‘
Haha, Layers of make up and fake smiles weren’t enough to hide the war within
They still realised how broken I was… But I ran away or turned back to avoid questions in the name of concern
I lost trust in Love after all, that I doubted if I could ever love myself
I hated God, because I was told He’s love, but I felt it the other way
The thoughts of prayer got me weary
I hated the light and mirrors ,they made me clearly see a reflection of my lifeless life
I hated every truth I’ve been told about living it up!
Here came the idea of taking my life and even burying myself without anyone’s help
I didn’t want to have them confess their love to a corpse after all
Just like I lived alone, I wished to leave silently alone too!
Every moment I closed my eyes I saw visions of hell
I saw myself writhe in pain for the many people I had hurt trying to express bitterness and revenge during my lifetime. For the many times I blamed myself and couldn’t forgive my heart.
The last time on a midnight, I wanted to put my thoughts into action.
Maybe they could speak louder despite the fact that I could be silent
I hugged myself for the last time in front of a mirror
I bid myself goodbye, letting a lump of bitterness down my throat
I remembered the lies I had lived for throughout
The many times I spent nights in the cold watching the stars ,my arms held high, waiting for one of them to fall, at least it could have saved me from the misery
I kissed the fabric rope and the sharp knife, they were the most precious things I held!
They were my saviours ,I adored them
I stood at the doorstep and smiled,
“Someone will remember me by that photograph on the wall after all”
This was the greatest moment I felt confidence get me high!
It was the right time to let go pain and suffering
The moon’s light reflected on my sky blue dress
I stopped and looked back, I remembered this place, I had once again been here.
He had proposed at this spot but he did kill every promise .
I remembered the foetus growing in my womb, too weak to stay up , I collapsed in despair
I remembered the pills he had once brought me but I still had them in my pocket everytime! I was still struggling to make a decision.
For a moment I realized that I had to fight with myself
I broke down my head on the ground my arms around my little tummy
This moment changed my life!
It’s like she was an Angel, I heard her whisper from far, “Mama, Hold on let me be your strength, let me fight for you, I’ll never break your heart! ”
Sweat flooded my skin like a river and soaked my clothes.
I didn’t have to do this!
I had to live one more day, at least see this one promise get fulfilled.
Maybe I had to give myself the last chance.
It was at that point I gained life once more, Became a fighter, became the best lover of myself
I wiped every tear that stained my cheeks, Embraced my heart once more
Forgave myself for giving up and hating
For the first time I smiled genuinely infront of a mirror, a reflection of strength, a mother, a Woman .
I held my belly made a prayer, a promise, that I would live one more day for the sake of my unborn baby.
©breells
B