Before you judge someone atleast try find out why they are doing what they are doing. It hurts how people would point fingers at you just because you are you, I've had people calling me an attention seeker, a sadist, others even call me names I can't mention here
Some of us are struggling. We are really going through alot, So many ups and Downs, trust me there's no a hard battle like the one you have with your self. It's tuff you can't even explain why you are not happy, It's not like I don't want to, It's hard but I try. At times I'm so happy laughing with everyone then it hits me and I start feeling so sad for no reason just like that my mood changes and I'm a different person and that's one of the reasons why I isolate my self, because it's hard to explain what also don't understand
I know you won't believe this but I'm struggling with self love, I know some of you will be like " you have a nice body, why don't you love your self? " Well it's something I can't explain. I have had self esteem issues ever since I was young. I don't see my self the way you see me, I got social anxiety I think that best explains why I can't even express my self infront of people, I fear crowds, me in a crowded place makes me feel so lonely.
I self harm, yes I do. I do everything just to get rid of the pain in me. It hurts to be hurting and you can't even explain why you are hurting or even show the wound. It hurts that all I want to do is to sleep and never wake up, Atleast to escape reality, Being alive is so tormenting, thinking of waking up in the morning to face the world is so traumatizing.
My life is a series of pain, a pain that can be felt but not seen, It can't be touched nor treated.
Do you even know how sleepless and restless I'm, 3ams are so rough for me, I stay up all night overthinking, wanting to commit suicide , Questioning my existence, asking why I was born in the first place just to suffer this much. By the way I do pray infact I'm very prayerful but I don't know what's wrong, it's like everything ain't going right or I'm not doing things right? I'm confused, I don't know who can answer all these questions roaming in my head
"Get rid of that negative attitude, try be happy, cheer up, go out have fun, interact, make new friends, fall in love, so on and so on
that's all I hear, but tell me how do I become happy when everything in me is crumbling down?
How do I cheer up when getting out of bed is a hustle? How do I go out have fun when I can't even talk in public? Come on tell me?
Y'all can continue judging me all you want, call me names, do everything you want to do. But one thing is for sure, you know nothing not even half of what I'm going through, the poems y'all read are just a way of getting out what I feel within, they are just a way of expression my emotions and atleast trying to get over the pain. Talking out helps and that's one of my therapy, I know one day all this will be history, I know one day I'll overcome, conquer and beat depression.... I'll win this fight or even die trying.
Can someone please be proud of me.... please, don't you see I'm trying, Don't you see I'm doing my best even if it's not best enough, atleast I'm trying ... two months since I last cut, isn't that progress?
©mara_pain
Life is a series of pain.
©mara_pain
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