Look Closer.
The moonlight that leaves me lonely in my room reaches and watches over me
With the intention of a thousand years,
I hate the light
But oh how i hate the dark so much more,
My bones ache for companionship
But my heart pushes it away
I want more than anything for anyone to realize
To see me
I want you to see me fighting, struggling, hurting,
But I cant tell because I know thats selfish
I want you to look and see the years of hurt ive been through
The deep unwarranted flashbacks to the evil ive faced come only when the blood within me cools and sticks to my skin
I tear through the flesh on my bones the same way my brain tears through my mental state.
Im struggling.
Why cant you see?
Why won't you notice me hurting?
You noticed when I started smoking or when my chores weren't done or when my grades slipped
But you suddenly become blind when you see the scars on my thighs and arms
I hate them but im scared they'll fade and leave me with no proof of the monsters ive faced
So i make it my job to get worse.
Thats what its always been.
My job to cry and scar and cut and burn and throw every bite of food up.
Im losing weight because I chase the thought that one day maybe if I stop eating for long enough, i'll dissappear
Or that i'll get sick enough that you'll see i need more help than what I've been given.
Oh how i wish i was your perfect sweet girl
The way i was when I was little.
But even then you didnt notice the long showers when I would scrub away the hand marks on my innocent body
And even then, you left me so alone.
Those long lonely mornings and nights
And when I cried or when I fell,
I would pray to God at night for a brother or a sister
Anyone, someone to save me
Im scared of being alone like I was
During those elementary years
Im scared of being left behind
And no i dont blame you, but God how i wish you could see the deep secret pain in me at such a young age
Those young sweet eyes and my too big heart had been damaged at such an early age
And I leaned so heavily on the people around me
I used them as my home because our house wasn't my home
My room was only a place for me to be locked away
And the nights were long and I spent them hurting, wishing only for the touch of my mama,
Or to see my dad again
I know you were hurting but so was I
How could you truly sit there and believe i was perfectly fine?
Years passed and with every night I sat in my bed wishing, hoping, praying
That somehow someone would come and take me from that room and show me that I was important
That I was loved
That I was wanted
Where were you in those sweet small moments I needed you in
And the moments now when my eyes are flushed with tears held in for too many days,
When all i can use to comfort me is that small, nearly insignificant piece of metal left neatly in my jewelry box
Hidden away in my closet
S