I don't want to leave my room - I never do
The sunlight, its too much - I don't want to see it
He is sitting down, I'm in his lap as he strokes my greasy hair
I can feel him smiling at me - he won, he always wins
My friends are tired of me, they say to me "you need help" or "you need counselling"
They say I can't be with him, but he's the only one that stays after they all leave.
They always leave.
My family is giving up on me, they say I'm a lost cause.
And honestly I think so too.
He tells me all the time.
I can't feel anything
Nothing trills me
Nothing excites me
I glace at my wrists ; there are too many scars to count.
That's the only way I can feel something - anything
It makes me understand that I'm still here ; alive and warm
He likes them, he lifts my arm and gives it a kiss.
I'm amazed every morning that I'm not dead
I don't wanna die but I'm not sure if I want to live either
He wants me to give in, he tells me its pointless for me to fight him and I believe that.
I'm looking at myself in the mirror, I made an effort today.
Its funny that he hasn't said anything to me yet.
I washed my hair
I put on some makeup
I wore some clean clothes
I even used the perfume I used to like
I was gonna go out and meet people, make new friends and possibly even meet someone.
I kept looking at my reflection; something is missing.
He knows it too, he smiles and points at my lipstick,
I smile and apply it on my lips.
He looks at me and then frowns
I knew it;I wasn't gonna get rid of him that easily.
He tells me that I look fake
That I'm too sad and depressed
That I am nothing
That no one would care for me
That no one could love me
That no one would want me
That I am worthless ; useless
I yell at him that its not true
He grins wickedly at me and points to my wrists
And I know he is right, everyone left
Who would ever stay with a person like me?
I smash the mirror with both fists
I take out my lashes
Smear the lipstick off my lips
Run my hands through my foundation
I smash my tv
I break my bedroom door
Smash my mothers ugly priceless vase on the glass table
Overturn the couches
Throw the dinning chairs
All the while he kept repeat "you have no one but me, because they all leave, no one wants a monster like you I'm all you got"
I try to calm down
I need my blade
I need my happy place
I rush to my medicine cabinet and before my mind could register
Another slice, crimson drops on my bathroom floor.
I glance at the mirror of my medicine cabinet
I look worse than I feel
I don't wanna look at myself anymore
I'm too disgusted by what I see
I sink to the floor in despair at my own realization
No one wants me
No one needs me
No one would stay
I am nothing
I have nothing to live for
I might as well end it now
He comes back, he never leaves
He hugs me, it always suffocates me
At least I can find solace in such suffocation
I bury myself in him
"Let's never do this" he says and I agree
At least he is here, he wouldn't leave me
Its just me and my big black depression
It's me and him.
©harleybear
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