My addiction is like a prison within,
I can not seem to win,
I just wish someone would actually sit down and listen,
I really do have a lot to mention to you about me,
why can't you see? I'm reaching out for help,
can't you help me?
But nobody's listening,
it's so frustrating,
It all started on July 11th of 2013,
I didn't know it then,
but this day would lead to a very bad addiction that I would have to overcome.
I had a very traumatic event happen to me,
that I didn't ask for you see,
I was homeless and this man took advantage of me,
he then gave me what he called "Straight from Mexico" weed,
then later found out he used a date rape drug on me!
I died twice because of this you see,
and had to have 50 stitches down there due to him using a baseball bat,
this all happened on July 3rd 2013.
I was in Intensive Care Unit for a week,
my guardian Ruth Stevens not knowing if I'll ever even speak,
so many people were sad and scared,
I was watching everyone's tears just flow,
I wanted to tell them "I" was there,
but really "I" was having an out of body experience,
I came to and tried to go home but I was too weak,
but where was home for the homeless you may ask me?
I really didn't know.
On July 11th 2013 I was finally released,
I went somewhere safe,
with my friend/sister Sara in her mom's basement,
I was required to attend a mental health program,
the fear of the unknown got to me,
but I dealt with it alone,
I went to this program called the "Cirrus House",
but little did I know I would meet someone who would help me numb my every last pain!
we got to talking on the smoking patio,
I was crying,
she said "you wanna come by my condo?"
so we went across the street,
and waited on her dad,
then on the elevator we went,
to apartment 809.
we went to the back room,
and sat on her bed,
he got out the glass pipe and said "you now have entered the party house"
she asked me if I was sad, hurt, scared, or in any physical pain,
I said "girl what the fuck do you think? I was just raped?"
she said "then let us show you the best way to medicate the mental and physical pain away!"
I didn't know what I was smoking,
but I really didn't care,
I wasn't feeling scared,
I was feeling good
smiling and writing poetry,
this became an everyday ritual,
up until December 2013,
I remember it like it was yesterday,
it was Hillary, her dad and I,
all sitting there getting high,
when we all three saw a full foot kick through my stomach,
we all looked at each other,
and put down the pipe,
and Hillary said "Ya'll saw that too right?"
but of course the free pregnancy tests come back negative,
so I had to call my doctors for a blood test,
and luckily I had a doctors appointment that same day for the stitches,
so they just did the blood testing then checked the stitches,
somebody tell me why this strange man I have seen by passing,
don't know his name,
but he gave me the gift of life,
and I named her Izzabella Mae Marie McNally,
she passed away at two days old,
most days when I think of him my heart goes cold,
my addiction got out of control beginning March 16th 2019,
I lost it when I heard I had a chance to have full freedom of my life,
I got scared and yes,
I do what I do best,
I self-sabotage because I guess that's better than getting out of my comfort zone at times,
but I've now learned,
if your uncomfortable; then you're doing something right,
at least that's what they said in short-term treatment,
I tried it and I failed,
that is treatment you see,
I may not have been using,
but I still had addictive behaviors,
and avoiding is a huge one for me,
I was being bullied,
I wanted to be heard by someone you see,
I was telling the staff,
but it seemed as if no one cared!
and that bothered me so I isolated instead,
and then got in trouble,
then got kicked out for not waking up in time for breakfast,
what a disgrace that treatment place is!
It may have taught me a lot of things,
but it also taught me that nobody is always going to save you,
you have to save yourself!
That means No Drugs, No Alcohol, No Opoids, No Codependency, No Lying, No Stealing, No Cheating, No Addictive Behaviors at all, Etc!
©kendallm61
K