My first love
I really loved this guy with all my heart. I truly wanted it to be just him and me in the end. But unfortunately, it didn’t turn out that way. Personally, I don’t think he really loved me, but I still don’t understand why he kept coming back into my life.
I’ve tried so many times to move on, but I don’t know… I just can’t. I literally blocked him everywhere. We didn’t talk for about two years. Then, a couple of months ago, he tried to get in contact with me again. At first, I tried to ignore him. I really wanted to forget him. I wanted to reach the point where I could live my life without ever talking to him again. But unfortunately, I didn’t succeed.
Our relationship was… complicated. He kept cheating on me. But I kept forgiving him — every. single. time. I don’t really know why… maybe because I truly loved him. He was my first everything. The first boy I went to see. The first boy to touch me. The first one I ever felt truly comfortable with.
I loved our connection. That was my favorite part. I liked that he understood me in a way no one else ever had. I felt safe with him. When he hugged me, I forgot all my problems. It’s like I could feel his hugs deep in my heart — I don’t know if that makes sense, but that’s how it felt.
That was our relationship. He kept cheating, and yet somehow, he kept coming back to me. I never understood why. I always wanted to know why he kept doing that. I don’t hate him — to be honest, I can’t. But I know I didn’t deserve everything he did to me. I never did anything to hurt him.
So, we started talking again — I think it was in May. I hated that we reconnected because it made me realize how I never actually moved on, even after two whole years. I don’t think I love him anymore, but… I still feel something. I don’t even know if I can call it a “feeling.” But he’s still important to me. I still care about him. And I hate that. Because even our complicity didn’t change — not one bit. After two years of no contact, we still clicked like before.
We saw each other. We talked and talked. I was so happy — really, really happy. We hugged, and it felt like heaven. After two years without his hugs, it just felt… good. And before he left, we kissed. Just a kiss on the lips — not passionate, just soft. I didn’t know how to feel about it. It hurt. It really did. But I still don’t know what I’m feeling. I don’t know what’s going on inside me.
Now it’s August. We’re not talking anymore. It’s like nothing really changed. That’s how he’s always been. At first, he gives all his attention, but then he slowly pulls away. He becomes dry, distant. And I hate it.
What hurts most is that during those two years of silence, I finally had peace of mind. I stopped thinking about him — or at least, I tried. Even if everything still reminded me of him. But now… I don’t know anymore.
S