lessons take time to settle in. while we shake our head at the first mistake yet we continue making it. trying to modify it just a little better. i stopped drinking this time when i could have had more. "S" was buying my drinks & kobe Bryant passed away today so "V" was ready to serve me. but i took 1/4 of a xan hours before. after having a suicidal episode at "A's" in front of everyone on Friday night. i was messed up on xan & alcohol and i let it all out. Blacked out. How i wanted to die, telling them im done. I've felt this way for so long...nobody even knows.. im so good at smiling and making sure everyone is comfortable. that's my worth right there. but when it comes to me closing the door behind me and looking myself in the mirror...why dont we have a switch. why cant i just turn it off. this is not how i pictured my life to be. not what i wanted...to be single, living with my parents, and transitioning between jobs (3 in 1 year) that is not like me and speaks mountains. how can i achieve my goals when all i do is sweat through my clothes. what is there to look forward too without waking up next to someone who cares about if u eat your lunch or text them you love them? what does it mean when you dont have that. to me, that's another type of death.CALL ME DRAMATIC. but everyone has their values and beliefs. LOVE is my stronghold, its what i want to believe in. Just as God. Patience..I know. but if u know me..patience is my weakness. I've never seen it preserved in my family. i finally had someone again...poof...all gone. he is never going to text me that he misses me. just like my other ex. so why be in relationships?? why go through so much FAKE love. is it even real?? it's a fucking fantasy if the person hasnt been through enough heartbreak. bc we could have worked. if he knew his flaws the way i had to learn mine..the way i treated "D". but i truly did need to learn them and it was the hard way. "J" took my spot and now im in "D's" shoes; wishing he did better. I cant go back now. we just weren't it. I cant just "accept" that..bc i wanted to "accept" him for everything..except cussing at me and telling me to go ahead and fucking leave. i did that to "D" numerous times and he never left. now i get my payback. i walked out. done. i deserve better. and he hasnt been back. repeat of someone not giving a fuck about having me in their life. why do you think im done? i dont want this cycle again. i dont want it. if he would just call me, even just to talk and say he loved me but its just not it. or he misses me..but no. i feel worthless. worthless. why dont we have a switch...it's not fair to live this stupid ass shit over and over again. people have been through so much worse and look how selfish i am?! not even like that but my brain is evidently wired this way. to want to stop & give up. why. why. why.
©michelle92
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