Pains

I'm brave, strong, and happy.
I've got a happy family.
I've got good friends.
I've got a great life.
Or so it seems in the eyes of a bystander,
but really......
I've never been brave,
I'm barely holding on to hope,
I haven't been happy since I was a kid,
but no one notices because the mask I've developed, I've learned to lie and to give you the answers you want most.
No one knows about the fact my families become unstable and a hell hole.
No one knows that my life's been flipped upside down and I'm trying my best to holding on to what little I have left.
Everyone leaves me and the ones still around say "I promise I'll never leave you." but they all lied. because right now I'm standing alone.
I'm left to the voices and insecurities that scratch and pick at my heart and soul.
I'm lost and it's like a new poison has infected my mind.
I long for the pain to stop or to be numbed.
I long for a distraction.
For a different pain.
No one knows about the scares, cuts, and words written in sharpie on my arms and legs.
Those who have say "ATTENTUON SEEKER!!!" "EMO!!" "HOE!!" "SLUT" "SPOIL BRAT".
They all think my lifes perfect.
They're rufusing to believe the truth that is in front of their eyes.
Leaving me to stop trusting people, to back away from the world and lock everything away.
I've found myself in a hole in the ground forgotten and broken.
I've found myself letting people push me around and forcing me to be something I'm not.
I go to bed crying and wanting to end my life.
I'm not strong or brave.
I'm never happy anymore.
My families destroyed.
My lifes a living hell.
I'm losing hope.