PURSUIT
spent so long chasing a father. and now that the pursuit is of me, i don’t want it. he calls every month and thinks it’s something; and maybe for a younger me it would have been, but now it’s too late. i’ve grown up and realized the lack of time spent was his shortcoming, not mine. all of it is hard to understand, because in some deep part of me, all i’ve ever wanted was someone to be there the way in the way only a father could. i’m running after something i’ll never know, and i think maybe i’ll never catch up. because while i was chasing my blood, i lost the closest thing i could have ever had.
i sit in the car given to me by my father, but in the visor sits the obituary of someone closer. i drive it to school every day, listening to bands he put me on and screaming lyrics i like to think would mean something to him. and maybe my dads shitty phone calls should mean something to *me*, something i should want, should appreciate, because even though they’re sorry excuses of effort, at least they’re something. but they’re not; they’re a reminder of what i’ve lost, and maybe even something that i’ve never had.
he wasn’t the one my childhood was full of. *he* was.
*he* was there when i needed, before i even knew i did. but when he needed someone, anyone, i wasn’t there. because i was still in pursuit, i was too caught up figuring out how i felt about my real dad to even wish him a happy father’s day; the one day that could put it all into words.
and now im just lost. spinning, spiraling, *running*. i don’t know what i want anymore, or if im even allowed to feel this. maybe ill be in pursuit forever, maybe the only thing i’m left to do now is look for him in others.
maybe pursuit is all i’ll ever know.
(this is so messy but i hope u get the idea 😞)
S