I know that you don’t get it, I know you just can’t see, the monsters and the fears that scream inside of me. My mind takes walks without me and sees what it can see. I cannot help the demons that hide inside of me.
When I’m down I lose myself, the triggers come with a loss, a fight or simply just because. I feel the constant tired, I feel a lot of pain, I feel the energy draining, and the tears that start to fall, Im bumped and bruised and broken and I always let myself down.
My mental health consumes me although some just don’t see, they never see the anger, the sadness and the tears. They just don’t get the reasons, they think I’m just ok. When In all reality I’m bursting at the seems.
This may not make sense to some, but others will believe that when I say I’m crashing down I mean it literally. I slowly start to crumble I don’t know what to do so I do my best to take the steps to do what I have to do.
You’ll rarely see my anger, you’ll rarely see me cry, the thing you’ll see the most from me is all my attempts to try to put one foot in front of the other and take each step in stride. I hold my head up high, with the face that says I’m fine, but then again some would say that’s clearly a damn lie.
There’s people in my life the ones that truly know, that even when I play the part they know it’s just not true. They will see the sadness, they will see the fear, they will see without a doubt that lonely single tear.
They try there best to comfort and console me, but what it is they don’t realize is my overthinking, analyzing, and insecurities get the best of me. Even when I can pretend it’s very plain to see that I’m not as good at it as I think that I can be.
The demons and the chaos they fill me up inside, and just because of these things I’ll sometimes push people aside. It’s never my intention because apart from above all, I’m quite the person that cares way to much is all.
I love with everything I have, my broken pieces rise, they start to mend a day at a time and all that I can say, is if you ever need me I’m just one call away. I stand up for my loved ones and I always put them first, i constantly remind them of all there good and worth.
When speaking of my loved ones I always try to see, that everyone is flawed and that’s including me. Wherever I can help, whatever I can do, I’m there in a heartbeat to help take care of things.
If someone needs a helping hand I’ve always got there back, I do my best to make sure that I can do whatever I need to. I may not be the best at it, but I’ll always give all I have.
Aside from all the crazy, my mental health aside, I’m just a girl with a heart of gold, but sometimes feels dead inside. That’s not towards others it’s how I feel about me, but I guarantee you one thing, you’ll never find a more loyal friend then me.
I have a fire that burns within me, a passion that can be the very best or the very worst part of me. I am guilty of being sympathetic of everything. Sometimes I will argue, and sometimes I will fight, but at the end of every day I love with all my heart.
One day it will come, that I’ll need picking up and when we get to that point true things will come undone. For at that point, when that time comes I’ll see who stands beside me and who decides to run.
©mel1985
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