All I want is to be normal. To feel as a normal human being. I'm tired of faking happiness so I'm not looked at differently. I'm tired of pretending that I'm ok with my life when I'm not. I know it's my fault I'm here in the first place but the tears at night say it doesn't matter. I wish, for just one day, that I could really know what happiness truly is. I wish that I didn't have to use people for my own gain. I wish I didn't have to lie about my divorce so people don't look at me like the pathetic piece of garbage I am. I wish I didn't crave attention all the time. I wish I didn't throw my body out there just because some guy showed interest. It's not like they care and it's not like I care about them. I get what I want out of it but my self worth goes lower and lower every time. I want to wake up and not loathe what I see staring back at me in the mirror. But days go by and sometimes I don't even look in the mirror because it's too painful to look into the eyes of such a failure of a person.
I hate lying to myself saying that everything is going to be ok. That this needed to happen. That we are gonna be better friends for it, but it never will be better. I knew what I was from the start and so did he. I tried so hard to be something better than I was for him but it wasn't ever going to work. We both knew it and we still tried. And that was our greatest mistake. I wasted so much of his time pretending to be something I wasn't. I kept him from his family because of it. And now he's back home wishing that things were different and so do I. But I don't think we are wishing for the same thing.
And as I lay here in my bed. Alone with tear filled eyes, there is no one to blame but myself for all of this. Another night goes by and I cry myself to sleep in hope that maybe one day the pain I caused him and myself won't hurt so much any more. But I feel like that is going to be a long way down the road. With many more tears in my future along with many more scares. In the mean time, I'll just continue to use people for my own amusement. I'll keep pretending that everything is ok. I'll keep smiling so no one can see my hurt. Because after all my greatest strength is to lie to myself so no one else can see my weakness
©echo
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