Selfless Suicide
On a day where the light touched the ocean and refracted upwards from the sea, I stood out by the water.
The breeze spoke to my ears and the light hugged my eyes from dawn until morning.
I stayed asleep until the sun reached its peak and when it rose… I caught a glimpse of you by the water.
A word or two might’ve been all it took to make myself known, but mustering the courage to say them is an entirely different battle.
And I wasn’t ready to go to war that day.
Before committing to any decision that might jeopardize my health or dignity, I decided to go to sleep once again and come back at the exact same time tomorrow.
“If it’s meant to be, I’ll see them again… Isn’t that how the saying goes?” I asked myself.
And my efforts were rewarded with another sleepless and dreamless night back home.
…
The very next day, I met you out by the water.
This time, I’d be prepared.
“Hi, do you come here often?” I managed to say.
You laughed.
You turned towards me from the sea and spoke to my spirit.
Your words sounded like music to my ears and your voice couldn’t have sounded sweeter if they were dipped in sugar and honey.
Everything under the sun seemed to be a topic of conversation and our world didn’t seem to hold any secrets the both of us couldn’t solve.
Even the time we spent seemed to take wing.
A minute turned into an hour. An hour into two. Two into Four. Four into more…
The sun started to set so I played at a chance with a hedged bet.
“Will I see you again?” I prayed.
You reassured me, “If you come back at the same time, every day… I’ll be here waiting for you.”
That was more than enough for me…
“Okay,” I smiled.
Blue followed me through my dreamscape the night following.
…
The next day, I shared my feelings with you by the water…
And you held them close to you as if they were your own.
All of my hopes and dreams were met with the same openness as my struggles and desires.
For the first time in my life, I felt complete…
When I reached out my arm to get closer, you recoiled in disgust.
“DO NOT TOUCH ME,” you yelled, MY SKIN IS SO COARSE THAT IT WILL CUT YOU AND CAUSE YOU BLEED ALL OVER. PLEASE DON’T EVER TOUCH ME!”
Though devastated, I recognized the urgency in your voice and obeyed your wishes.
I said, “okay.”
I left with an abrupt goodbye and met the color green in my mind’s eye to shuffle me through the night.
…
I was hesitant the next day, but I decided to wait for you by the water.
I spent the day getting wet as the clouds seemed to weep for me.
Maybe you were busy…
There’s always a good explanation.
I waited and waited.
I wondered if this is how you felt waiting for me…
I’m sorry…
I called it a day at dusk.
The moon, as my friend, gave the present day an end and guided me towards the next one.
My dreams felt like I was watching a sitcom from the 50’s, covered in gray.
…
I waited for you out by the water…
And you never came.
The day went by as if it didn’t care about a thing it gave its light to.
I couldn’t tell the dark reality from a tame nightmare so I went home and closed my eyes until I saw the light of day once more.
…
I stayed in today…
I made a plan to use my time effectively.
Apparently everyone had been worried about where I went and how I was spending my time.
I tried to explain…
It didn’t help.
“I was waiting out by the water,” I’d say.
“What are you? Crazy!?” my mother exclaimed, “You can’t even swim.”
“It’s a waste of your time,” my friends explained, “if they cared… they would be there with you.”
Everyone who had heard about you told me, “You’re an idiot being played.”
I was told over and over but I couldn’t wake up from your spell.
All they did was push my heart to go find its truth out by the water.
…
The next day, I saw you out by the water…
You were wearing an expression as grim as I had ever seen.
You smiled with tired eyes, “I’m happy to see you.”
I couldn’t lift my eyes up from the ground, “… I’ve been waiting for you…”
You responded in a low tone, “I know.”
Every moment of silence following seemed to tell a sad story that carried on in the breeze and each fleeting second caused me to unravel to the point where I lost control and took it all out on you…
“WHY DID YOU MAKE ME WAIT?” I shouted, “ALL OF MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY THINK I’M AN IDIOT FOR DOING SO. WHY ARE YOU WASTING MY TIME?”
Your voice remained low, “I never made you wait for anything… you're only waiting because you wanted to.”
I felt my blood start boiling.
“I”VE COME OUT EVERYDAY FOR THE PAST WEEK JUST TO SEE YOU AND TALK TO YOU.” I screamed with tears in my eyes, “AND YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO CALL ME SELFISH?”
You looked at me with those tired eyes once more.
“I jus-“
I ran up to you before you could get another word out of your mouth.
Just to hold you…
And in that moment I touched you, without speaking, we came to an understanding.
…
I had fallen into the water…
And you were nowhere to be seen.
As much as I wanted to fight toward the surface, I was weighed down by a heavier conscience…
A formless voice echoed in my head as I drifted deeper and deeper into the waters.
“DON’T EVER TOUCH ME!”
I should’ve known…
I could’ve listened better…
“I’m sorry,” I murmured in vain.
…
I waited for you to save me from drowning in the water…
And you never came.
I have only ever questioned your intentions once and only moments afterwards, I had all of my thoughts quelled…
Who are you but the same strand of essence that only wishes the best for myself?
Myself.
A small lie is all it should’ve taken for me to keep from hurting myself if I trusted you…
In the end, A love life is essentially self-sacrifice.
One has to choose selfishness or selflessness…
And because the reflection only hurts people who like hurting themselves, I would’ve tried to protect myself from me if I were you, too….
Y
Selfless Suicide
