what's wrong with me?! I asked myself.
tears burning holes in my eyes as my heart started to ache.
a gaping black hole getting larger and larger the agony of being single tearing me apart.
everyday I spent wasting away in class as the harsh solitude turned me into a loveless nocturnal animal who writes endless love notes feeling the opposite sex's cold shoulder their absent stares suddenly I forgot what love was.
hiding behind my words, my secret language, as season after season they were unkind but that loneliness only festered turning me cold and more agonizingly numb.
as year after year I walked alone I was alone and no one cared they just laughed teased making me feel more invisible it was enough to drive me mad.
as I stamper over words.
bashfully trying to ignore the constant flutter in my chest a longing that killed me every night over and over again as I tried to get girls to notice me.
my brother deemed me unlovable.
my dad had suspicions I was probably gay.
yet no one understood the constant battle that cut me so deep.
it got so bad I stopped trying, stopped talking, I wanted to be loved and no one cared.
I mean kids could be cruel but girls were sharks and I was the prey bleeding delicately in the water.
yet I always swam in the deep end.
never afraid of being pulled under.
never bewaring of that we were the ones who were shallow though they tasted blood.
yet they were sirens intoxicating me with their sweet alluring song.
their porcelain soft supple skin.
their seductive warmth that swallowed me with a heat, a passion I didn't remember or yet know.
yet I'd be the massacre just to feel such fragile thoughts.
yet they were cruel, shallow, intoxicating beasts that torn chunks out of my heart just to watch me bleed.
yet this was middle school and high school with sheer will and a lustful irony the girls could bring you to your knees.
yet they always remained shallow.
©darkdeity
D