She

I'm drowning.
For so long I've drowned in emotions.
....
I got engaged.
He is the perfect guy.
But,
I should be happy.
I should be screaming how much I love this man.
I shoud be showing off my ring to the world.
I should be planning my dream wedding so I can spend the rest of my life beside him.
But I'm sad.
I'm scared.
What will my life be like?
I'm a fucked up mess.
I cry to much about nothing.
I feel tired all the time
I feel stupid and worthless everyday.
My bed is my friend.
I can't get her out of my head anymore
She's become to loud and too smart over years.
She knows my life,
My stories,
My favorite books.
She has gotten to the point of screaming at me every day now.
You're too fat.
You're the ugliest person there is
You are a failure to everyone.
I want to paint agian
But she wont let me get out of bed
I want to go out with the few freinds I have.
But she refuses to let me think I look good enough for the outside.
I want to be happy again
But she keeps screaming at me
How can I descibe this darkness to my future children, when I don't even know?
How can I look them in the eyes and tell them that their mommy is tired, she will play later.
How can I tell them that mommy is sad all the time for no god damn reason.
That the voice in her head is too loud for me to feel the happyness I know I have somewhere.
I can no longer make promises.
She makes me break each one.
She keeps me chained to my bed.
Like a prisoner in a war.

The pills are no longer silencing her.
The therapy is not calming her.
I don't want to die.
But I don't know if I can continue living with her anymore.
©noblewitch