Everybody always yelling at me to speak.
Not knowing I was that girl.
Where I was always being told to shush.
Stephanie stop being so harsh.
Why don't you stop being so intense?
Never to know how much of a beast in me I always kept caged.
That feeling I can't help.
They say speak without knowing.
My silence isn't because I'm stupid.
It's this mouth you see?
It has no control.
I feel powerless in these emotions that come in such waves.
It's like an ocean where a storm is in me always stirring.
Vibration so high I fear to hurt others.
I'm afraid I'll speak and I can't take it back.
Nobody ever see's my inner girl.
All I want is too be sweet.
But this silence is my protection.
Where my pain resides.
Where desperate cries wants to be heard.
You tell me to speak.
But all I can hear is.
Stephanie stop.
Calm down.
As I speak these tears begin to roll down my cheeks.
My demons will rise.
My heart will break.
All my fears come to the suface.
Reminded How many times I was told to shut up.
Told that I was just being irrational.
So many times.
I was silence before I could be heard.
My silence has become not just my comfort but my friend.
Don't you see?
I have no choice but to stay caged.
I do it for me.
So I can keep my pain at bay.
Swaying it away.
Pleading for comfort.
Still trying to see good.
Hoping one day this light will shine.
Melting my sorrows away.
I just feel too much sometimes.
-Stephanie Houltzhouser
©shoultz
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