Mom, perhaps I'll be already gone by the time you read this.
You've always showered me with love and I never thought I'd leave you like this.
My beloved Mum, I want you to know that you're not at fault, I'm the blame so you shouldn't carry the guilt.
I know you don't deserve this and am sorry, am just trying to find my peace.
Life has never been easy for me.
I know you always thought me of a blessing, but never for once have I ever felt like it.
I was always shrouded in dark mist, and no matter how hard I fought bad luck always trailed me.
Blow after blow I received, Life has slapped me hard ever since, till the pain became a part of me.
I tried so many times to tell you but my inner demons always won over me.
They called it a negative vibe last time I posted about it in my Facebook account.
I grew afraid of being judged and overtime I learned to keep the shit within myself.
But depression is like a brain tumor, day by day my life was being sucked into the boundless pit.
You remember the times I locked myself in my room? And when you asked I only smiled and said i was okay.
You remember when you asked why I no longer hangout with Jane?
Well mom, shit was pretty hard for me and I thought alone I could overcome it, but I was wrong.
And ironically those were the times I smiled the most, as if everything was in line with me.
So many nights I cried till my tears ran dry.
So many times I wished time could be reversed so I could fall back into your arms.
Many times I prayed hoping that when the sun rises, things will no longer be the same.
My gaze always glued to the horizon hoping for a sign, a sign of new life and a fresh start.
Forgive me for my selfish decision mom,
I know you always taught me to be strong but in this battle my threshold was surpassed.
I'm just tired of existing, I didn't mean to abandon you, you know,
I always stood for them, my siblings, just tell them am sorry for choosing myself this once.
Cry mama cry for one doesn't lose a child and stand in ceremony.
Cry your heart out and paint your garments black,
But I pray that the November rains will wash away your sorrows.
That amidst this turmoil you'll find peace, and learn not to weep for the child that never lived.
For whether hell or heaven, mum your child will be resting in eternal peace.
©Jay Crown
J