And here I am
A sad, staggering girl made of bones and skin.
Terrified, lost and broken into tiny shards of glass
Spread out across fields, railroads and highways of this sick state.
I'm lying down on a porch bench outside, a woman lives there and for a second I thought we might have been friends.
There was nobody else to run to.
The neighbors are cold and unwelcoming
Flashlight shining in my eyes, a deep growl coming breaking through the dark
"Leave this property or we are calling the cops"
He's two houses down, at the end of our driveway, arms wide open for me
Sympathy in his eyes, he embraces me
"It's okay, come inside with me. Don't be afraid, I forgive you."
I fall into his arms, replaying it in my head
Less hope than I had 5 minutes ago
It hit me, like a stab to the chest.
This is it, nobody is coming to save you.
This is where you will stay
This is where I will die.
We walk up the driveway clinging onto one another, I half expect it to still be okay when we go inside
I'm also weary, what am I doing?
The door closes behind us, he locks it and I'm crying inside
Run for it, just do it
His mouth is in a straight line and his eyes are burning with hatred, he pushes me away from him
And I know.
Maybe this is how I'll die.
His hands, oh God these warm hands
Touching my arms
I'd like to fall into them, and be gently cupped like a butterfly in his beautiful palms.
Instead, you dig your fingertips into my arms, and you are leading me into the bathroom.
What are we doing?
"Don't try to run" his voice is deep.
I sink into my own skin, it isn't over...
I'm clinging onto dead branches
As you yank the rope around my ankle
Pulling me into your dark abyss
I can't. Let. Go.
"Get in the tub"
"Why?"
You walk out of the room, and I don't move
I also don't get into the tub.
Seconds later you're walking towards me, knife in hand
"Take off your clothes and get in the fucking tub"
I obey
I slowly remove my clothes, I am so vulnerable.
When have I ever been this vulnerable?
I'm removing my clothes for my husband, so it shouldn't feel so invasive.
This isn't the same man though, and I wish this one would go away soon..
"Are you serious?" My voice is shaking
"Why, are you scared? You're the one who says you want to die so bad. Now look at you, afraid. You deserve this" And I do not recognize this at all
Who is this person?
I lower myself into the tub.
I can feel my tailbone and spine cracking against the hard, cold bottom
I am skin and bones.
He turns on the cold water and this is insane.
I'm sobbing and shivering
"Please just take me to bed :("
He just watches me squirm, is this satisfying him?
He lunges at me with the big, butcher knife and my heart jumps out of my stomach. I could crawl up the wall right about now, run on the ceiling and get the fuck out of here
But I can't.
"Do you see how selfish you're being?When are you going to see what you're doing to me?"
"You have 2 choices and 5 minutes to decide. Either you are going to kill yourself tonight, or I'm going to kill you. You said you wanted to die
You asked for this"
He starts the timer in his phone
But I don't believe it.
At the same time, I do. He hands me a razor blade.
This is my razor blade, where just 3 months ago sliced into my thigh listening to Drown by Bring Me The Horizon on repeat for 4 hours straight.
I might deserve this.
"Let's see it, start cutting"
I sit there, sobbing uncontrollably for what feels like hours
But the timer isn't up still...
Finally it twinkles it's sound, and he is lunging at me again
"No
That wasn't enough time
Please"
He sits back on his throne next to me, the toilet seat and says "do it now"
"I'll do it"
I gently put the blade to my arm
I don't want to do this right now 😭
I don't know what is happening now, but he is lifting me out of the cold water.
He is holding me, sobbing into me
It's over for tonight..
I survived another day,
But I'm tired
©heffmomma
M