When I first met my boyfriend Bernie back in 2015 at Harold Washington college. We first started out as friends. A few months later Bernie started falling in love with me. As I said in my last poem "A Man With High Status," that I came from a background where people did not care about their partners or spouse's feelings. I was taught to stab men in the back. Basically, I was raised to be dishonest towards men and myself. My mother taught me to never express my feelings towards a man. I did not know what love was, and Bernie did not either.
At that moment when he was falling for me, I was tending to pull back from that. He told me that he loved me, but I did not love him. I did not feel the same way he felt. He wanted me to always see him and be around him at school every day. He would get insecure of whom I hung around, and he did not like it when I was around my family. I would tell him that I needed space, and he did not understand that. It was starting to feel like he was controlling me. That was why I cheated a lot on him because of his insecurities. He was writing me love poems and sending them to my emails of how he felt deeply about me. When I read them love poems he sent me, I was saying in my head, "why is he writing love poems to me, I don't care about this shit, I don't even love this nigga, I don't care how this nigga feel, fuck his poems." I was the type of female back then that did not like romance or celebrate Valentine's day, and I am still the type of female today that do not like romance or Valentine's Day. A lot of people would think that was odd for a woman not liking romance, but I did not care. It is my choice.
I told my boyfriend that he does not have to prove himself to me. He does not have to write me love poems, tell me how much he loves me or how much he cares. I am not looking for that in a relationship. I do not believe in deep love or romantic love. My perspective is not going to change on that. I would tell him today that I need a lot of space. I do not like to be around him all the time. I do not even like to be around my family like that. A woman always needs her space no matter what. It does not matter if that woman is married or in a relationship, she needs her space. Men need their space too. I am not just speaking on women's behalf. Men want some alone time too, they need to figure out their purpose in life and seek their goals as much as women does. We all need our space. Now, I have to be honest with myself and God. We all have to be honest with ourselves and with the people that are close to us of what we really want in a relationship. What do you really want in a relationship? What do I really want in a relationship? It is our choice of what we want in a relationship. No one can not dictate on what we should be or how we should act in a relationship, it is our choice. No one can not control our thoughts or our actions. Only we can do that. We ourselves have the power to find our purpose through life.
Bernie and I today see each other twice a week. Back then, he did not understand what space was, but now he does. He gives me all the space I need. I would tell him to not prove anything to me because I do not care about that. Just be a man of your purpose in life, and I have to be a woman of my purpose in life. I need space to get closer to God, and to do the things that makes me happy, not the things that makes other people happy.
#God #power #school #Harold Washington #space #time #faithful #gospels #scripture #gangs #neighborhood #clout #viewers
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