This is a message to my son.
Dear Launi,
I'm not sure when or even if I will ever show this to you, but I felt it necessary to write down everything that is happening. right now you are one years old, you just turned one three weeks ago, it was the last time that I was able to hold you. I pray to God and that it won't be the last time ever.
I don't believe in talking bad about a child's parent to them, and I don't want you to think that I am trying to turn you against your mom. That is definitely not my intention. My goal in telling you all of this is simply to ensure that you know that I am doing everything I can to protect you and be a good father. But if I'm going to tell you the truth I need to tell you the whole truth. some of what you will read is speculation, but I will make sure to point out facts from my thoughts as best as I can.
To start with, I didn't even know of your existence until you were eight months old. me and your mom had a one night stand, a fact I'm sure you don't want to know, but like I said I want to tell you the whole truth. I speculated that your mom was using drugs at the time but I wasn't looking for a relationship so it didn't bother me. I just wanted to get my mind off of the pain that I was going through at the time. about a month later she called me from jail telling me that she was pregnant and it might be mine she also stated that she had slept with several other people and she was going to rehab to get clean. at the time I was certain that I couldn't have children and mixed with the fact that she admitted to sleeping with others, I was certain that you couldn't be mine. turns out I was wrong.
when you were 8 months old I received a call from an unknown number and answered. she told me that I had a son. I still wasn't sure what to think but I needed to know so I got a DNA test and it turns out I did have a son. I was overcome with emotions. I was happy and excited, but I was also scared. For one, even though I know I'm a good man and a good role model and I've even helped raise several kids in my lifetime, I was afraid that I might not be the best dad. I know that sounds contradictory but that was a fear of mine.
Another thing that had me fearful was the fact that I didn't know your mom and I didn't know what type of person she was but the action she was showing were anything but trustworthy. she kept claiming that she didn't watch child support even when I said that I would support my child no matter what, and then immediately turned around and filed for child support. this led me to believe that she was just after money. later actions would start to make me think what I still do now, she wanted a relationship with someone who would support her and take care of her, what better person than the father of her child. before she contacted me she had no way of knowing that I've already established a relationship and fallen deeply in love with the woman you know as Faith. If you do read this you might be calling her something else by now,that is completely your choice.
There has been several comments and issues that have led me to believe your mom wanted a relationship and that was the only reason she contacted me. for one she told Faith that even if Faith wasn't in my life to not worry because your mom was always going to be there with me. now me and Faith have a really good relationship without jealousy because we both know how deeply we love each other so the comment itself didn't bother her but the fact that your mom said it to bother her is what made us upset. two weeks after this comment, I finally proposed to Faith, a plan 7 months in the workings. since then your mom has made it extremely difficult for me to see you. there are also other reasons that lead me to believe your mom was after a relationship and someone to support her but I digress for now.
At the time that all of this is happening, I am living 3 hours from your mother. because of the distance and our work schedules, we agreed that I would be able to see you every Saturday. your mom had made comments about wanting to get to know me before she let you go with me alone. I was very understanding of this at the beginning. in fact I found it to be a good quality because it showed she was concerned about your safety. I later on figured out that it wasn't about your safety but about control that led her to do this.
so every Saturday I would spend 6 hours in a car so that I can spend at least 6 hours with you. at the end of every visit it broke my heart having to say goodbye over and over again, a fact that was made even harder to deal with when your mom began canceling my time with you for various reasons. at first I was trying to be understanding even though it hurt. at one point I wanted to talk to your mom about how long she wanted me to drive all the way out there to see you before she would start letting me take you for overnight visits. she told me that I didn't have the right to ask that and that it would be as long as she deemed necessary. she blamed me for not being in your life, even though I had no clue that you were alive or even mine and she could have very easily contacted me at any time. she also explained to me that if I tried pushing too hard she would run with you and I would never see you again. she didn't begin canceling the visitations until after I proposed to Faith. and as time went on it happened more and more frequently. what made it even worse is when she would wait until late on Friday evening, 5:00 or later to tell me that she didn't want me to come the next day.
One day when I came to see you, upon entering the door and picking you up I could immediately tell you had a dirty diaper. I opened the back of your diaper to see and was disturbed to discover that you had been sitting in a poopy diaper so long that it had caked to your bottom and become hard. I was upset but because of my situation and not having any legal rights to you I had to guard my words. Now at this point it is important to mention that your mother did not want me changing your diaper. she told me about how she was molested and was worried that would happen to you. so when I informed her of your diaper she took you to the back bedroom to change you. I heard you screaming at the top of your lungs and it sounded like you were in great pain. I went back to investigate and found you with extreme blisters and rash from what I can only assume was many times of being left in a soiled diaper. again I was furious but because I had no legal rights I had to keep my mouth shut. I almost lost it completely when your aunt shontelle said,"just whoop his ass, that'll teach him not to cry"! I had to go outside for a little walk to get my composure under control.
I finally figured out a way to bring up my concerns without causing a problem. I tried to talk to her about your diaper rash and asked her if she was using any creams or ointments and gave her some suggestions about how to help you and ask her if she would take you to the doctors because of how severe it was. she took this as an attack and started yelling and cussing me out and telling me that she was a good mom and how dare I. for the next two weekends she would not let me come and see you. the next time I was able to your rash was all but gone. A fact I was grateful for but also realized why she didn't want me coming to see you. she didn't want me getting any evidence of the neglect she was putting you through.
she would tell me that I needed to communicate with her but every time I did communicate my questions concerns or statements about you and your well-being she would place my head on the chopping block so to speak, and yell and cuss at me about how I'm calling her a horrible mother. I very quickly realized that if I stated any of my questions or concerns about you it would turn into a fight and she would deny me visitation.
at one point before everything got rough, I had a talk with her about being put on your birth certificate and drawing up custody plans with the lawyer to name me as your dad that way nobody could deny that you were my son or deny me the right to see you, but it also would help your mother out because I told her we would ride in there that I would start paying child support to help her. at this time I had already bought you as much diapers wipes and food as you needed anytime you needed. and explain to her that anytime she needs anything for you to just call me and I am there to help. in any case she agreed to having these papers drawn up so that we could avoid having to go before a judge and do a long drawn out court case. so I talked to a lawyer friend to see about having the papers written and when we could meet to sign. when I told her about the progress she got upset and said that she wasn't ready for that anymore. it was at this point that I began to realize that I might have to fight for the right to be your dad.
on your first birthday your mother wasn't there. in fact she tried to cancel me coming to see you but I insisted and told her I was going to be in fort Smith no matter what and that I wanted to see you even if it was just for a few minutes. she claims she was having a bad reaction to a spinal puncture. I have some background in the medical field, and the symptoms she was having did not fit any symptoms from a spinal puncture. one of your cousins was describing her condition and I quickly realized that all of her symptoms pointed to someone coming off of drugs and going through detox. now as I'm sure you know by now I am completely against drugs. Drugs literally destroyed my childhood and my family growing up. so when I came to this conclusion I could no longer sit idly by bidding my time until I got legal rights to where your mom going to keep you from me. I called my lawyer and we filed for an emergency petition of custody, and wanted to get your mom to take a drug test.
it has now been almost 2 months since I have seen you last on your birthday and I am wrapped in despair and sorrow. I am trying to figure out how to keep you safe, but it feels like everything is against me. the judges office keeps placing my lawyers petitions and requests on the back burner with no regard to your safety. your mom just got a lawyer and within two days the court is already reviewing her petition to dismiss the case altogether. no matter what happens I am not going to give up on you and I am not going to ever stop fighting for you! I refuse to let you go through the same torturous events that I went to as a child. all I want to do is protect you and I give you my solemn word that no matter what comes I am going to do everything I possibly can to try to keep you safe, and whether these words will mean anything to you if you ever read this, for anything that I am not able to prevent I am truly deeply sorry. I just want you to know that your dad loves you with all of my heart and soul and I am doing everything I can to try to protect you and be a good dad.
I love you with all of my heart and I pray to God daily to keep you safe. no matter how hard it gets I want you to know that I will never ever stop fighting for you.
with all of my love my darling boy,
Dad
©dannyray88
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