Some people call others ugly. Misfits.
When their soul is tainted
More than one could know
More than one could describe as simply "barmy"
Their shadow echoes their thoughts
Filled with perfect shapes and curves and lines
But when they go to sleep
The shadow comes alive
It taunts them in their dreams
Telling them that they are nothing.
Nothing more than they believe that they are
And nothing more than those around them
So they try to believe that they are perfect
And try to make those around them become so.
They want to be perfect
Because if they are not, then the shadow...
It will continue to haunt them
And to the girls with pretty bones
Skin a little loose
With extra wiggle room
I envy you
What could be extra space
For me it is filled with fat and muscle
I want to be thin and brittle
Empty not by metaphor but by reality
I want to be like the girls and boys who don't eat
Skipping three out of three meals
With an apple to hold them off
And with a gallon of water to fill them up
Only to make them more empty than before
But now
I must certainly
Have everything
From nothing
I am filled by nothing
My stomach is filled with hunger
My heart filled with envy
My head filled with emptiness
My nose feels as though it will bleed for hours
My head throbs for just as long
My stomach eating away at my insides
My limbs tired, still running while staying still
Each time I swallow I feel the lump in my throat
Growing and growing as I hold back the tears
Still there even when I let them flow
My face is growing red and hotter
I cry and cry
I feel feverish
I hold it back and hold it back
I feel feverish
I have become so sad that I am in pain
So sad that I cannot describe the feeling
So sad that the empty is filled with anguish
So sad that the empty is beginning to hurt
So sad that the sad is making me feel
Something other than empty
It is making me feel everthing
Things that I have never felt before
I have felt joy at times
But always regret
I have felt comfort from being close to someone
But I have always felt fear that they will leave
I have cried and hiccuped
Wracked my body with sobs and
Killed my lungs with mobs of sharp inhales
They slice my lungs like a knife to skin
I cry
I cry
I cry
Yet I still feel sad
I laugh
I laugh
I laugh
Yet I still feel sad
I sleep
I sleep
I sleep
Yet I still feel sad
I try to be empty
Be empty
Be empty
Yet I still feel sad
And out of all of this...
Out of all of this SHIT.
I have felt happiness
Almost as few time as I have been proud of myself
I wish to be more
But the hope has withered away
Like the ashen corpses stuffed into jars
That no one cared about when they were alive
I wish to wither away
Just as they did
But not to be mourned
To be loved.
©aspen_fall
A