I realized I was pregnant with you at six weeks, I was excited, confused, happy and sad at the same time. I didn't know what to feel, I didn't even know what to do, I had mixed reactions, mixed feelings but deep inside I knew I wanted so bad to keep you baby.
I was happy because I was going to be a mom, something I've always wanted to be, I never knew I'd get pregnant in the first place you know hormonal issues, but surprise!!! you came, just like that I was pregnant, I was so happy ,very happy.
But again I was sad, sad because it was a wrong timing, sad because I was all alone, yeah right your dad wanted nothing to do with you, so I was by my self, my family accepted you yeah after sometime, but I still felt lonely...I went through the morning sickness on my own, downloaded so many pregnancy apps just to feel closer and to monitor you.
You gave me hope, I was so happy to have you, I couldn't wait to hold you, baby I made a lot of plans for you, I was so excited, I was going to be a mom come on who in their right senses wouldn't be happy? I looked forward to may, for that was the month you'd finally be in my arms... I prayed to God to keep you safe, I prayed and asked Him to protect you, I did everything to keep you healthy.
Then this fateful day, I decided to do an ultrasound, just to know how you progressing, I was anxious, I was overjoyed but that was short lived when I was told you were no more, my world was suddenly filled with darkness, I couldn't see where I was going, I became so numb, I couldn't feel anything , just like that you were gone, with no explanation, with no goodbyes my unborn baby was dead in me just like that, a silent miscarriage it was.
How i wish I was given a chance to at least hold you, to i raised you, watch you grow and teach you things that you never knew, I didn't even know wether you were a girl or a boy, I didn't even see your pretty smile, I was robbed of these wonderful moments we'd have together, you were snatched from me, taken away even before I laid my eyes on you, I lost you, and I don't know how to get over this loss.
Tears of pain, anguish fell on the hospital floor, I couldn't talk anymore, I felt like dying there and then, the doctors couldn't calm me, I got so hysterical, I threw tantrums and they had to sedate me just to calm me down, baby that was the worst day of my life. I got so suicidal and what happened next I don't have the strength to write about it,but I'm still wondering how I survived it...December 12 a day I'll never forget not in this lifetime nor the next.
The pain I felt was so unbearable, I asked questions but no one answered me, i went through the emotions all by my self, I felt like I failed as a mom, I couldn't protect my own, how careless was I, I don't even know what killed you in there, I'm so devastated.
I cried until I couldn't cry no more, sleepless nights just staring at the dark, wondering where I went wrong, what I did to deserve all this pain, who did I offend to go through such crisis, such torture, what the hell is wrong with me, why me?
For four months my baby lived in me and died.
I say I'm over this, just to look strong, I lie I'm okay to avoid questions and some certain talks but deep inside I'm broken shattered and crashed, I fake being happy just to look happy but deep down I'm just faking it all.
Some say I'm overreacting, some say it shouldn't hurt me, some say it's a small loss and I shouldn't let it bother me, but wait how much is pain supposed to be to be pain?? how much is a loss supposed to be to be a loss?? someone please answer me,why do you make it sound like my loss is not a loss enough to be a loss...why do you act like my pain ain't pain enough to fit in the category of pain?
It's okay to not be okay, so please just let me mourn my loss in peace, just let me cry all I want, just let me be....you don't know how much I'm hurting so stop acting like you do... it's my loss anyway..just let me bare it.
I can't stop crying .....it hurts ..... it's so painful....it's too much for me ...why all this misfortunes??? why this pain??? and here I thought I'd finally be happy...joke on me.
MY LIFE A SERIES OF PAIN of to the next episode.
©mara_pain.
4thJan2020.
M