today,
i rewatched the series that shaped my love life and to unlearn this is sth I look forward too..
when I was 17 fawning over the main character, the mysterious one, who claims the untouchable crown, I thought that was love, I thought it looked like that.
The nonchalance he portrays, the overthinking she claims to have, always in her head, thinking about a man who never even brought her flowers, not once and the nice guy who simps only for her to laugh and act too nice, while she drowns in the thought process of 'him' I thought that was love.
In my head, the girl in her youth, new to school, I thought love had to hurt, I thought love was just about sex, and the needs of a man, I thought it was all about reading through the lines to understand his thoughts, I thought it was about the crash effect, the newly Weds vibe, the 'friends must hear and gossip ' I thought that was love.
The inconsideration, the I want to fight for you but I'm sure you'll hurt, the trauma with the words, the physical pain in the name of Dominance of a man and my submission to him. I thought that was love.
I fell in love with the main character, the guy with all the looks, the tall handsome fellow, with a charming attitude who knew how to get and maintain attention. The one who was taller, toned and knew how to have a good time.. I fell in love with the way he looks, the way he dresses is not too flashy, and definitely not too boring, just enough to stir my thoughts..and with a black always.
I fell in love with prince charming except he is just a figment of a writer's imagination...
I fell in love with the chaos, the gap filling thought until he was my holy grail.. anything less, I'd laugh it off just like the girl in the series, with the body just like mine, exactly like mine, except she has a better taste in clothes, we just happen to have the same shitty taste in men.
Its the hardest to unlearn, anything less feels empty, no spark at all.. just the nice girl energy, only cause my prince with narcissistic issues isn't available to get me to my high yet..
Its like a 1700s bridge, made out of solid brick, just another burnt Clay, with the ability to stand the tramping of the horses, just because of the pressure filled gaps intact...
i don't know how love feels like or what is, but it's definitely not the ones on TV, for it definitely shouldn't feel transactional, should be at the least painful, and I should not feel like I'm walking on eggshells just to get your half assed attention..
Maybe it's the Corinthians love I don't know..
lemne just go kiss my TV based badass boyfriend, good bye or whatever, I think that's what she'd say, Cinderella herself or maybe cling to a man who only sees himself in the mirror like a certain ex, I'd love to erase in my memory..
All in all, I'm still wondering what love is.. and I hope it isn't this sparkless, boring, I only speak via phone calls kinda love.. I was trying to cut down on the love bomb high recently..
goodnight.
S
today, i rewatched the series that shaped my love life and to unlearn this is…
