Many times I find myself fading away. I can be sat among a room of people, and look like I am there, happy and all smiles, yet I am not. The mind truly is a dangerous thing, the most unsettling feeling is when you get lost in it, and start fading away from everything and recount the things in your head over and over. It's like a constant loop of things you don't even want to think about, you are questioning yourself why your thoughts are looping around over and over like a merry-go-round. Half of the time it is things you want to let go of, things worrying you. It could even be as simple as things you wish you had done or said, or trying to figure out if somebody is telling you the whole truth because you're so used to the damn opposite. You could me trying to find the light in your life as a situation has left you in overwhelming darkness, and you feel like you're drowning in it. The past has a part to play in everything, it's usually things in your life that make you the way you are...who you are, and people don't really seem to understand. You try over and over to explain or you pray they understand your mind, but truth is they never fully will. They won't understand why you are still worrying about that thing from four months ago, why you have to ask the same questions because you need reassurance... They won't always understand why you don't feel that you look good when they are telling you, or why your self worth is so low. They won't always fully understand the constant mental battle in your head that comes any time it's incredibly overbearing. It comes when you sit down to work, when you want to focus on yourself, when you are trying to get to sleep... but the waves of thoughts just won't stop. Well I'm here to say it's okay, I won't know what specific things go on in your head, as you won't know about mine, because no two people are the same. There are so many levels, but each person's story is equally as challenging - not one is more or less, or deemed as not as significant as they cannot compare. I'm here to say stay strong, in time you may overcome it completely or find more good to outway the bad. The people in your life have a big effect on that, my life has changed massively - I am with the most loving supportive person, that knows I have a scarred past of mental abuse that no time can tell when I will fully be myself again. But, I am close... I am happy a lot of the time, and I fight to overcome my thoughts and distract myself by spending time with the people I love and the things I love. I'm trying to focus on aspirations for the future but no matter what I will have fought a battle. If you are fighting a battle right now, physically, mentally, verbally, or even something you can't even describe to yourself or understand. Please, love yourself and find support and take the strength each day to pull yourself out of the dark and try not to fade away.
©emily_parr
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