I stayed up last night
Pretty late, it was cold outside
I watched my breath float away
And silhouettes of branches sway
As I wrestled with the thoughts inside
I wondered what I could be
Who I should be, and who I would be
I've always thought that maybe there was something more for me
But honestly, I'm starting to have doubts
I know I don't have it all
And I can't see past my flaws
But there's a part of me
That just knows I could be
The hardest working person they ever saw
I'd give it all just to prove my self
Til my last breath, I'm gonna best myself
I've been told that I cause my own problems
And that if I'd just try harder, I could solve them
And I know they're right
But no one ever told me how?
And now I'm drowning in a convoluted system
Theres no way out
Theres nowhere to run to
My own head is my enemy and the world is too
Death is no escape, just a passage of the pain
And I wouldn't wish this hurt on anyone
To stop it for good, I'd live it again
Am I victimizing myself or did I go through some shit?
Am I addicted to drugs or do I need a 'script?
Am I batshit crazy or just really tired?
Am I doing my best, or am I just a liar?
Her smile flashes through my mind
I drop to my knees and I cry
I wish I could make it stop because I know that this cashier doesn't understand why
But I can't help it, I've tried
I know, fuck I KNOW that they lied
I did all I could and I fought my best fight
And I know, fuck I KNOW that they lied...
What am I even doing? I can't write, it never comes out right
I guess I'm just grasping for ways
To get it out, my chest is so tight
I've asked for help and I've tried bucking up
Neither result in any change
I can't kill myself, I'm better than that
So everything just stays the same
Every day it's the walk of shame
I'm ashamed of myself
For putting myself through hell
And making other people deal with my pain
Am I victimizing myself or did I go through some shit?
Am I addicted to drugs or do I need a 'script?
Am I batshit crazy or just really tired?
Am I doing my best, or am I just a liar?
©cagedwolf
C