For years, I cried out to God,
wondering what was wrong with me..
I was a dedicated and faithful wife,
married to someone that could never be.
Numerous years of agony,
married to the one who always lied.
Half of my life being good to him,
while he never even tried.
He'd always say one thing,
I learned to expect another..
While he was always cheating on me,
using excuses like he was going by his mother's.
I always thought because I was good,
and that I did right by him..
he'd naturally reciprocate what I gave out,
and that he truly was my friend.
While I went to college through the day,
I let him keep and drive my car..
He was caught hiding in the bushes at the track,
And, caught an indecent exposure charge.
I remember just finding out I was pregnant,
I wasn't yet a mom..
He came home from work strung out on meth,
knocked me off the porch and the baby was gone.
He broke my face for my birthday,
Needing surgery my left eye was black for months..
while I was knocked out I could vaguely hear him,
apologizing and declaring his love.
Right after being married,
he stalked a forteen year old girl off her school bus..
We we're friends with her mama,
Finding that out left me crushed.
Deceat by the one you really loved,
has a way of destroying everything around..
All the arguments that turned into fights,
I was numerously choked out or taken down.
Running through the house to get away,
He'd cut all the lights out on me..
A psycho staring through my bedroom window at me,
His type of crazy truely has no category.
He had psychiatrist and therapists,
while he was growing up..
He learned to turn on his tears,
and manipulate them from off the jump.
A foot long screwdriver aimed at my heart,
He came at me fast stopping an inch away..
I've often thought, how the pain would've been less,
If he would've just finished me off that day.
I remember waking up in the bed one night,
and catching him in the act..
of showing off my top half,
to some strangers on the internet.
So many times I would wake up,
while he was finishing with me..
There was no love between us,
And, definitely no heart filled intimacy.
He used control tactic after control tactic,
that worked for years on me..
Unfortunately, I didn't realize,
it took running away to see.
For so many uncountable years,
I lived in a hollow shell..
Forgetting who I always was,
to be trapped inside that hell.
Being repeatively kicked over and over,
under my step dad's keyboard I loved..
Because I temporarily stopped him,
from being mean to my innocent friends he couldn't look up.
I'd say his conscience would've been a killer,
and that all the wrong he did ate him up..
But, I can't say that, because he don't have one,
Just like he never knew how to love.
It's not possible to put into words
the torture I felt inside..
It went from years of heartbreak then anger,
then wishing I had died.
A part of me did die back then, I think,
No longer a sweet nieve girl..
He promised a divorce that never came,
Thoughts of him touching me made me want to hurl.
I should've left him long before I did,
it would've saved alot of anguish..
This marriage I honored and tried to make work,
Became close to a twenty year mess.
I cried out to God from my bed,
surely that's not what He planned for His daughter,
Was this the life I was given to live,
Or was I automatically set up for faulture?
He got mad when I left,
tricking everyone with his tears..
But, may I ask you one simple question,
Could you have lived it for twenty years?
So much has happened since I left,
God helped make a way..
When I honestly didn't see a path,
He has walked with me along the way.
Don't stay with someone living a lie,
or if you are enduring abuse..
I can assure you nothing is wrong with you,
The players just needed someone to use.
T.L.J.
©trazz79
T