I shut my mouth in fear of societal condemnation
Mortification, guilt, shame
My very hearts damnation
No one has to know
A knowledge i must take to the grave
It's been over 365 days still counting backward
The day when all i could do is cry, scream as i lay helpless
And him ?
Smiling, laughing, feeling victorious
Many years have gone
Long years enough to make me heal i thought
How did i get into this mess ?
How did i not see it first ?
How could i not have stopped it ?
Think of an escape,do something, anything
Why on earth did it have to be me ?
Untraceable years have gone
Still the past haunts me like a bush rabbit
Grief, remorse, dismay
There is nothing left for me than pain
I'm bruised, scarred, shattered and broken like a slammed glass unfixable
Many long years have gone
With my most priced treasure lost
Should i cry ? should i die ?
What can i do to rectify ?
Is he even a man ? does he not have a heart ?
Fresh and clear
I recall the evil smirk on his face while he ripped out a part of me
Devouring me like a beast
A hungry lion
There he robbed me off my childhood,my pride, my innocence
Leaving me with a nightmare, one i hold with despair
With an urge to tell someone about my daily torments and bad demons
I turned to my mother in the right weather
Hoping she could see through the mask i wore
Read through my eye, the tone of voice
See that i was different,that something has changed
That something was wrong
Well, i was wrong
Instead she praises
Presenting me as her little pretty perfect, flawless
Happiness, trust, expectations was all she sang of me
Then it dawned on me ,i have failed her
No not now, maybe never, my inner voice cautioned
I couldn't bring myself to tell her
Filth, hate, disgust
I survived on my own solo
A knowledge i will take to the grave
Exactly 365 days of torments and still counting
I'm supposed to be married
No secrets
The first rule on the carriage marriage
I defiled
It was huge, heavy on my tongue
How do i tell him i lost it ?
Lost it before i found myself
Way before i knew what it was or its name
How do i tell him it was stolen
Stolen without my consent and by my blood
How do i tell him its gone ?
Would he judge and condemn ?
Would he believe or leave ?
Would he look at me differently or accept me wholeheartedly ?
What will it be ? I ponder
Consequently silence became the optimal choice
The ideal pick
No one must know
A knowledge i must take to the grave
©hearmeout
H