I know I haven't been myself,
and I don't like that I'm not.
The one thing I prayed years for,
is what I desired most in my heart.
I've been so internally torn,
fighting myself frantically to let it go.
But, I remember when I cried on my face,
Petitioned The Lord while tears in abundance flowed.
I know He heard my weeping heart,
He knew I felt cheated out of it then.
He knew I had studied intently on my part,
But, I couldn't have it for good reason.
I begged who I was then married to,
to step up and take the lead.
Impossible to get when he wasn't fit,
to even be married.
I petitioned God for a leader,
Then, a faithful wife in need.
I couldn't submit to a man uncommitted,
Unfaithful even to his affairs, Unfit for taking lead.
A long needed divorce finally came through,
And, I still cried out for my plea.
I had no man by my side,
No one that could try to be.
My ex had problems with being jealous,
He was happy being very mean to me.
I was unable to have someone new,
tormented by the evil my ex would be.
Now he's incarcerated,
by making his bed and laid in it.
But, he'll be getting out,
And if I had some one, he'd pitch a fit.
I can't rightfully ask a man I love,
to come be in that position.
So, I have to struggle with letting go,
Of my heart felt petition.
I needed a faithful loving man,
To fulfill the role over me.
Unrealistic now it breaks my heart,
Never able to have a man as my lead.
©trazz79
T